So relationships are something that we can all agree on…if you are in the wrong one it can just be so toxic to the spirit, soul, and over all emotion/passion for life. Why is it so hard to set all crap aside and just get to know someone for who they are? Pride, selfishness, and over all doubt gets in the way of anything real being experienced. Is it really necessary for a person to have so many issues that they can’t figure out who they are then attempt to love someone when they can’t love themselves first? That is so backwards!
A lot of you might know that a year ago this last December (so like 14 months-ish?) I got out of a very toxic relationship with a man, Doubting T, who did exactly as described above: couldn’t selflessly love himself first and in return how could I ever EVER expect him to love me in a healthy manner? Now don’t get me wrong, there were many red flags from the start. I didn’t feel like I could share my whole self without being called self-righteous. I felt like a part of me died….that’s because it did! I was so blinded because I cared so very much for a man who just didn’t have it in him to love me the way I should be loved. Toxic as Britney Spears might sing…
We have all been there. I learned a lot about life because of that experience. I learned to listen to my gut. I learned to always be yourself, and those who love you for you will accept that. If you can’t accept that then you will never fully appreciate them. You can’t always listen to your heart because it has a check and balance system with your gut and in return that is something that will need to be discerned. I can honestly say that I have finally have found my peace.
A few months back when he started dating a new girl, I still had a lot of hurt and loose ends. I had a lot of anger still at that point that literally took me months to work through. Miranda Lambert’s CD Revolver got me thru much of that. I can say later this past summer I was in “Crazy Ex-GF” mode…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2VZZ-17DHw&feature=related. No joke. I didn’t think I was ever going to move past this stage. BUT to my surprise I did.
I am tired of investing the time in someone who can’t even be a friend to me at this point. I can’t hold it against him. His new girl won’t let him be friends with me and even though he promised me we would never get to this point. He broke that promise. And that kind of hurt. I am kind of a ‘word is your bond’ type girl…so you can imagine the type of emotion and hurt involved there. I just yesterday forgave him for that. I am completely at peace I must say. I feel accepting of whatever happens I cannot change that (Serenity Prayer). I have peace in my heart and soul. My spirit feels released from the clutches of the hurt and I feel like a bird released from a long 2 years of entanglement. I feel like my personal self-development has only blossomed.
I have been blessed with great friends of both sexes that have helped cut down the ivy and vine work that had captured my spirit and soul and release the CatMan that everyone was used to seeing. They helped release the part of me that had been smothered and for that I am eternally grateful! Today was one of those days where a friend helped a sister out big time. 🙂
For months now I have had a printer that Doubting T gave me thinking that we might be able to utilize at work. Well it didn’t end up working with our system…so we sent him a note and said “hey what do you want us to do with this? do you want to pick this up?” His response was indifference. OK. Fine. So what did I do? I loaded that thing in my little bug and called Laugh-a-lot and we ventured out to do one thing.
Return the printer to its rightful owner. LET ME TELL YOU….2 itty-bitties should not be lugging this piece of work in high-heels across a walk way that hadn’t been cleared. We grunted, strained, and laughed mostly but we eventually got it in the door! Never underestimate the will power of 2 very determined beautiful women! 20 minutes later, damage was done. In my mind, I kept saying this was only a printer…only a printer…haha WITH LEAD ATTACHED TO IT! hehe.
I had a wonderful day today. I spent time with a friend who really matters and makes my life better just by being in it! As Laugh-a-lot put it best, “…omg that was hilarious! You are the salsa to my burrito….and that really means a lot. Comes from the heart.” 🙂 She really gives a shit about me! THAT’S HUGE!
As I reminded my dear friend Super Woman, “I actually give a shit about you” is a club is open and you have to find members and keep them near and dear to you. 🙂 Anyone interested in joining???
Here’s where I am at currently: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoAIpQIsq5Q