There are moments in time where you feel like against all odds or warnings you can do something. Do you have something to prove? Well maybe…or maybe you just totally think that this is the best idea ever so you just go ahead and do it anyways. This was one of those moments for me.
It is not above and beyond making myself look like a dork on any given day of the week that ends in ‘y’. I decided that I was going to wear a hat and scarf on my exotic trip to the city. I realized it was a little breezy but not A LOT breezy to which wearing the hat was semi worthless. It was sunny so I also had a pair of Kay Man’s on so I was really looking stealth…
So once all decisions were finalized…I was off to the big city. I had to drive “the bug” to catch my next ride. I was heading to my girlfriend Lizard’s house where we were going to ride together to the big city. It was quite the trip getting there.
I spilled coffee on my new dress. I was yelling at myself at the fact that the reason I am now feeling warm and fuzzy wasn’t because of a “normal” reason…sigh. The car next to me, well let’s just put it this way…I saw more than I bargained for and got a “full moon”…heavier sigh. Then I received a phone call.
Now, I just want to let you know that it is not out of the ordinary for me to talk to myself, usually, and talk with my hands. I am a little dramatic at times but got to add a little flavor to the conversation. MUST KEEP ENGAGED! When I received the phone call, I had my bluetooth in…I got laughed at because people couldn’t see it and thought I was just holding a conversation with the people in my head! Not that I don’t like doing that every once and a while but they are not as entertaining on a 2 hour car ride as they are just for a 5 minute trip to Wal-Mart…
This conversation was one where I was really trying to describe something. I cannot even tell you now what exactly it was but dear o dear my arms were flailing. I am sure as an innocent by standard you would be making a call…..(if you want to play along…plug your nose with your first and second finger and read what the operator says) “9-1-1 How can I help you?”…”Yes there is a CRAZZY lady driving on Route 67 S (location has been changed to protect the innocent) and she is off the wall!”….”Please elaborate sir…does she have a weapon?”….”Ma’am, if you consider flailing arms a weapon then yes…oh and it appears as though she has some big guns as well!”…”OH WELL THEN, we will send someone right away!!”
Next thing I know, I knocked my coffee over again. GRRRR….so much for innocently talking on the phone….next thing I know I am being pulled over…(double grrr….) By this time I am afraid I have steam blowing out my ears, my beautiful designer scarf is wet and stained from constant coffee spillage and I am pretty sure I wet myself! (thank goodness for depends! NEVER leave home without them! 😉 ) I am so nervous…and the officer approaches my passenger side window. He motions to roll my window down…”Officer. How are you this afternoon?”…”Ma’am I am doing better than you I suppose…license and registration please!” This is what is going through my head: (Oh geez! Now he is going to judge me on my horrible picture…I am sure glad that I have my new clothes on….oh no! What if I have anything in my teeth? Darn it. OH he has a cute butt…crap I can’t believe that I have coffee stains on my new scarf…) Knock, knock, knock. The officer was back. He states very simply, “Ma’am we’re going to have to search your car.” FOR WHAT?! “Now ma’am, if we do not find anything then we will allow you to go but if we find anything suspicious then we will have to take you in to the station…” I simply nod and get out of the car and let him do what he has to do. Going back through my thoughts again…(Take me in?! Who does he think he is? Does he know who I am??? –sometimes I have the tendency to think I am more important than I really am–What on earth did I do! Oh my parents are going to kill me!) “Ma’am, would you open this bag up for me right here?” Sure why the heck not! This isn’t as bad as the airport at all! Then the worst thing happened, all my under garments, socks, deodorant, and hair stuff flies everywhere! (I thought it was “breezy not full out monsoon winds!!) My hat flies off and runs away. My Kay Man’s (which were so expensive!) fell off and the officer accidentally stepped on them. Then the unimaginable happens…my skirt flew up and my skivvies were 100% were exposed. (EPIC FAIL) I feel like I no longer want to do anything at this point except for crawl into a bloody hole and die! The officer then proceeds to tell me that he would have to pat me down and at this point I wanted to say didn’t you see that I had nothing concealed??!?!? You saw it all you jerk! BUT I DIDN’T…He asked me to get back into the car. That part was officially completed.
Next thing, he asks me (being the bright fellow he was) if I knew why I was being pulled over….”UM…I don’t know….SPEEDING?” No. That was not the reason. (This officer was a doozy!) “No ma’am, I pulled you over because you were suspected to have a concealed weapon….” Now me being a smart @$$, I proceeded to say, “My weapons AREN’T concealed sir…I wear my guns proud!” I then flexed. OK at this point, I should have simply kept my mouth shut because just as I said that, he got his book out and started scribbling. I just lay my head against my steering wheel (since I was without my pretty hat). I heard a rip and then he hands it to me.
You would never believe what this ticket said…not in a million years!
“Indecent exposure!” and he left his name and number. No fine. No fee. Just a pick up. SERIOUSLY?
OH the irony…oh the shame! He must have thought I was really easy….darn wind!
I wait until he drives off and then I proceeded on to the remainder of my journey to Lizard’s house. Almost an 60 minutes later (sorry “an hour” is so over used)….I arrive with no hat, wet and sloppy scarf and dress. No glasses. Pride shattered. I did have a number and ticket though and yet I am one hot mess. By the time I arrive, I just want a warm shower and to sleep this one off. Maybe another day sweet big city….maybe another day…