What’s it Gonna Be?

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8wO-b95z14

Today, I was in the car driving and one of my favorite En Vogue songs ever.  This one just kind of gets the hamster wheels a going and makes you think “poop or get off the pot”.  Since February I have been dealing with a ton of emotional pieces and changes.  I also recently had a friend call me out stone cold on something that I needed to change about myself.  Here is kind of how it went down.

Over the past months I have been discerning some additions to my already overflowing gift basket of qualities.  I have been considering going back to school in August for hair.  I dealt with an emotional break-up…still hurt, I need to address some aspects of myself that I have to change.  It is apparent that the hurt is still very fresh and there; however those who have hurt me are not so understanding of why I have such emotions and negativity.  I turned into a busy body.  I have also turned into a short fuse.  The fuse tends to go off at those I love the most.  Which haha…well it was my dad 2 weeks ago and Nomad earlier this week.  That is not good.  This person called me out big time and then I said somethings that I really didn’t mean.  They pushed further out because they took it personally and they just didn’t want to deal with it.  I know I am not perfect, but I know darn well that I am trying my hardest to get to where I need to be.  I have a plan and goals…but in the process of getting there I need for this hurt to be addressed as not to fuse out on certain people anymore.

I don’t want you thinking that I only spoke hurtful things because I didn’t.  I said some very honest things too.  These things he needed to hear as much as I needed to hear what he said to me.  He is completely right as well as I was, but even after apology he wont own up to it being HIS fault I am hurting.  He has nothing to say about that.  I cannot change that either.  Unless someone is willing to say, “hey I am sorry for treating you as bad just months back!”  the hurt will always remain.  Maybe it isn’t in the cards for us to be friends at this point or ever.

It is a hard thing to realize that you are ONLY in control of yourself and YOUR journey.  This is a hard thing for me to understand, but I am getting there.  I am coming around slowly.  In my mind, I would want someone to warn me if they thought I was in the wrong or headed down a path of self-destruction.  Apparently not everyone wants that kind of warning.  I think true friends understand that warning system.

How does a friendship move past these little explosions and get on to having a loving relationship?  How is this possible if both hurt parties keep pushing the other away and the misunderstandings still stand?  Both of us are under stress but still is no excuse to walk out…I don’t care what anyone says, that is so not right.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I guess only time can tell…

In the end, the only bridge to understanding greater is to invite others to share their stories with us.  Some tend to share sporadically and others need the verbal invite to feel like you need them to be apart of their life.  I need to lay my ego down.  I need to also lay my pride down…and just keep focused.  I need to pray more.  I need to realistically get these goals accomplished and move the stones, rocks, and mountains God needs me to move!  I think I owe it to myself anyways.

Interesting thought, huh?  No excuses…

I vow to stop making excuses and start living my life.  I need to remain grounded and keep on making headway…Keep going little CatMan….

The Five Leaf Clover Incident

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5 (minus a leaf) becomes 4!

It was the morning after the day I went to bed angry…I was minding my own business and I stumbled.  I looked down.  I practically gasped and leaped with joy.  I found a five leaf clover.  (disappointed frown-wah wah!)  I am not going to BORE you with details, but somehow it became a four leaf clover!  Magic?  maybe… Fate?  I suppose… or MAYBE it is simply a reminder to put the anger, sulking and negative whatever behind me.  That is the answer I am going with anyways.  🙂

 

Just in case you want some additional information on the “Four Leaf Clover”:  http://www.catalogs.com/info/garden-yard/facts-about-four-leaf-clovers.html.

 

Have yourself a lucky happy day!!!

Part 2: Lemon Cake

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Please, if you are confused, refer back to my previous post of Lemon Cake.  🙂

Long story short, I had a dream about one of my dearest friend’s wedding reception.  Mars was darling!  Needless to say, everything went so well and the happy bride and her husband not only cut every rug in the place…but never stopped smiling or having fun!  I was unable to go to the Wedding itself due to my cousin’s graduation party.  It was the best happy medium I could find.  Unlike my dream, I did have lemon cake (what are the odds!) and there was plenty to go around!  I was not late either and in fact, I was 1/2 hour early!  I was so nervous about that, but it all worked great!

I think my dreams are serving as a warning for me.  Leave on time.  Plan ahead.  Beware of “cute men” I mean, cough cough, CON-MEN.  Keep your wits about you.  Know where you are at and be aware of those around you.  Last night, was just one more example.

Standing in the check out line at Target, I got asked out on a date.  My reaction?  “No I am sorry, I have a steady boyfriend.”  Cool, calm, and collected.  He then announces, “…everyone has someone and I have not been on a date in 11 years!  It has been since May 11, 2001!”  I proceeded, first not making eye contact and second, “…well stop focusing on it so much and she will come.  You have to be patient!”   (What I really wanted to say is well you are being ridiculous crazy man!!?!)    Then, I quickly gathered my things and went directly to my car.  Weird, right?  He was buying mops and cleaning supplies too.  Screams serial killer to me!  CatMan was neither impressed or fooled.  I was shocked at the fact that just happened.  Oh well.  Thank you Sticky Buns Dream for saving me from something that could have been potentially a really bad situation!

Still trying to figure out this one right now.  2 days ago I had a dream about a family I know.  They live about an hour away and I was having a conversation with her husband at their house.  I have never actually been to their house.  Her husband just had this “proud papa” glow about him and he told me that their son was going to be a pilot in the Armed Forces.  It wasn’t Army like him, but something else.  It was interesting, but that was all I remembered.  After telling my friend, the beautiful wife in this situation, about it she said that their son was getting bored with his job and they keep trying to work around it!  This will not last forever.  She said he might be better served in that sort of job versus what he is doing.  Hmmm….wonder what this could bring…any thoughts?

What dreams have you had lately?  Anything good??

❤ CatMan

Why you should never go to bed Angry

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I have had a couple of hard lessons learned days.  I know that good will always come of our mistakes, but sometimes it is just like “Come ON Cat?!  Not again!”  Well yesterday, I woke up in a ball fire of fury…lesson 1, do not go to bed angry, even if YOU are the one that misconstrued everything.  I blew up (I mean so embarrassed, mortified, and all because I said some pretty hurtful things).  This sleep text conversation occurred at 6am.  Who does that?  A girl who went to bed angry because she is hurt and has “clammed up” again.

When I clam up, I am almost as bad as an insecure little school girl!  I start assuming, making these elaborate false stories up in my head, jumping to conclusions, and over all not being my confident self as I revert back to process mode of all the wrong things.  This friend I blew up on had a valid point…I seem to focus on how I can help or figure out others to avoid addressing my own down falls.  I do a lot of processing of my own problems, but apparently he didn’t feel like that was where my heart was.  He was exactly right…again.  I sucked it up and immediately felt the guilt of shame and that I was the one in the wrong.  Well the thing is maybe in some regard I was out of line, but I learned a lot from it.  Needless to say I immediately drafted an email.

I recognize in myself that when I get stressed out, I react and spaz out.  I get this honestly.  This has been the task at hand most recently as this situation is similar to two others I have faced.  One where I blew up on someone, another where they blew up on me, and reverting back to the first one a great apology.  I need to be patient with myself.  I knew I needed to apologize as I hit a nerve.  I said way too much in my draft so I let it lie and focused much energy back on my work.  That helped clear my head.  It didn’t help that I started yesterday off with a migraine either.  I was still hurting.  The hurt caused by this one person is such that I can only describe it like having an ulcer on your heart.  It is deep and consistent.  I have been praying for healing.

I listened to my gut then started again…uttering those humble words of “I’m sorry”…simply stated.  I ramble when I don’t simply speak.  Not good.  Well, even though I sent an apology via email, tried calling, and even texted an “I’m sorry” note to him…it was no use.  I spent a Holy Hour (http://www.catholic-church.org/kuwait/eucharistic_adoration.htm) over lunch and I felt so much better.  I always do.  Just an hour of silence and beauty to gain insight and composure.  I felt as though a few things there were confirmed: 1. Trust in God as He will bring so much good out of this blurp.  2. He needed to hear what you had to say this morning.  He needed to see you spaz out.  He needed to see you at your worst…God used me to be the deliverer.  3.  I need to have more patience with myself as living life is a series of lessons and perfecting.  4.  I have now identified the source as this little ulcer on my heart that he caused that needs addressed and healed.  That is another great affirmation for me.  The anger was driven from this point of hurt…the anger slipped out…but now I can mend the wound and use this situation as a building block for a stronger foundation.  Everything happens for a reason whether that is known or not.

It is hard and those challenging days are the worst when we don’t decide to pick ourself up from all fours and we have to crawl back to standing position. We fall flat on our face, humiliated…discouraged as we are there is always up!  I felt so humiliated that I conducted myself in such a manner.  Who was I to have done that?  Well, we are only human!

 

Grass and cement burns on my knees, ego which was definitely in check (now), and a realization that was priceless in this journey to get my emotions in check, have a deeper better relationship with my friend and my lessons are learned.

Seeds planted.  Moving on…..today will be a better day!

For your listening pleasure:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdIvFxu9jJQ&feature=related 

❤ CatMan

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For anyone that has friends that are becoming long term students and continuing their education….I know you can relate to this post! Imagine if Barbie REALLY looked like this?!

Karen Zgoda, LMSW

UPDATE January 28, 2014: Now available in doll form! Courtesy of reader Deanna Foster who writes, “A very good friend of mine is doing her PhD, and I was inspired by your blog to give her a “Graduate School Barbie” for Christmas. I made some modifications to a barbie I picked up at WalMart. She really enjoyed it – thanks for your blog post!”

xmas2013 A

xmas2013 C

xmas2013 B

UPDATE November 26, 2013: Now available at the USA Today!

UPDATE November 4, 2013: Now available at the Huffington Post!

UPDATE August 8, 2013: Currently this post is at ~300,000 views (298,742 to be exact). THANK YOU INTERNET!

UPDATE December 6, 2012: Folks, I am deeply humbled by the attention this post has received. Here are recent stats:

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Welcome!! Over 48,000 of you, most likely current or former graduate students, stopped by to say hi and laugh just yesterday alone. Most of you found…

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Dream Weaver: Death by Sticky Buns

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Remind me.  You will have to as Gram’s “forgetfuls” are rubbing off so greatly at this point…remind me never to eat pizza and drink a glass of wine before bed.  This is the end result…sigh.

Experts They always say, “Dreams are a reflection of our inner most subconscious” well in this case I definitely would have to agree.  So get this!  I was at a hotel with this very good looking man.  He was smug, had a great smile, dressed to the Hilt, and most of all he was there all for me.  I was excited.

I don’t remember checking in, but I had a key.  Well he followed me in we laid our luggage down and you already know where this is going….we went out to the patio and laid in the grass.  Things started getting really steamy and I hear this knock on the door…so I get up and get it.  It seemed urgent.  Well here I was standing pant-less at the door in this big button down shirt that barely covered my rump!  It was my best friend and roommate from college at the door!  “Come here now I have to show you something…”  At that moment I looked to the patio.  I looked at her and I knew exactly what I had to go.  “Excuse me cute man with the big Popsicle,  but I must go see this…even though I would rather just lay….”

Next thing I know I am following Blizzy running swiftly down the hall of this ever so fancy hotel, still pant-less mind you, and it was up the stairs we go.  She takes me into a secretive hotel room where the TV was set up like a “Secret Agent” headquarters.  She was still shaking her head at me being pant-less.  We slide in and sit on the edge of the bed in front of the TV.  This cheesy video “update” comes on and she makes me watch the whole thing.  THE WHOLE THING….that’s another story…imagine this:

70’s music, flashing text with big retro lettering “WARNING” across the screen…this male voice over comes on as the video footage shows this “cute man with the big Popsicle” wooing other women.  Wooing them.  WOO-ING- THEM.  WOO-ING….(how rude…I thought he was a faithful loyal man bc aren’t they all?) and giving them these Sticky Buns.           {REALITY CHECK: I never call them ‘Sticky Buns’ I have always called them Cinnamon Rolls…proceed!}         Big Popsicle vs. Sticky Bun?!  I would have gone Sticky Bun any day!  Well as we continue watching I see him hand this girl a Sticky Bun and her proceed to eat it.  Then news footage of her being poisoned.  “Cute man” totally then went MIA.  Hmmm….Blizzy proceeds to tell me that he is a con man who kills his victims with Sticky Buns (say what?!) and that I needed to gather all my things and leave immediately!  We began heading back to my room….

Down the stairs and through the hallway, then there “cute man” was sitting all smug like on the couch outside my room with a big grin on his face.  “I’ve been waiting for you” (then he saw Blizzy and we knew it was too late).  “Oh honey buns (doh! I totally hope he doesn’t think I knew about the Sticky Bun incidents!) I need to go get freshened up before our date tonight!”  Cute man/con man says, “That’s fine but you will need a key…” Blizzy pulls a generic one out and we get in the door to see all of my everything ransacked!  He stole my credit cards, my ID, my money…etc….but I still had my life.  When I looked up, he was gone.

I couldn’t understand it.  I had been deceived, lied to, and I didn’t even know his name!  How naive could one be, yet he spared me my life.  I woke up laughing, but very confused.  I remember he had a huge you know…Popsicle…why remember those details?  Why so vivid…?  Upon processing it, I have come to the conclusion that this is an inner reflection of a spiritual battle that I have been facing OR someone put some “additives” in my pizza!  I allow the evil one to take advantage of my vulnerabilities, the openings, my cracks and am I so naive to think that I am invincible against these attacks?  Yet every time, I am still alive and actually feeling stronger even though I am weak.  I recognize and acknowledge these cracks and work hard to patch them and build positively upon them; however when these cracks are allowed to become as a dilapidated as the foundation of a house, the house starts to fall apart little by little.  These cracks will always be there but we must always work to patch them as permanent as we are allowed and able to and keep our house intact.  That is at least what I have decided, for whatever that is worth.