The Woman I Desire to Be

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“When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

~Venerable Fulton J. Sheen

I came across this very quote a day or two ago on Facebook.  One of my contacts had this posted and it really go me thinking about woman and their purpose with in the realm of this world.  I mean, your day-to-day accommodations, vocations, and everything to which fulfills the beautiful role of being a woman.  There is a lot more to it than you might think!

Something I personally have struggled with is finding my way into discovering what it means to be a real woman.  Not a girl…but a woman.  Not just any woman either.  I want to find my identity as a woman of God.  I will be the first to tell you that I have been on a wily road prior to this investigation. Do I really have what it takes to grow up and be the woman who I know I am being called to be?  I lacked confidence.  I lacked esteem.  Because of my lack of understanding, my heart lacked a desire to change.  Hell, I was doing just fine with where I was at and with what I was doing….but was I really doing as fine as I thought?  I didn’t want to change for a long while because it seemed forced or rather too contrived.  If the CatMan was going to change, then it was most definitely going to be because I wanted to do so.

Recently, I was told and came across many individuals (randomly of course) speaking to me as “You will attract a certain person or type of person”.  This would make sense.  So if I applied that to the long list of ex-s that I have, I am giving off something that is attracting these pathetic jerks who didn’t have a clue what it meant to be the kind of man I deserve!   They are selfish ultimately.  They don’t get it and haven’t a clue either.  I think that I am a compassionate person to an extent that I have no boundaries.  I want to be there and help whomever and wherever needed.  I could also say compassionate to a fault.  I realized a few life lessons through my 12+ years of dating to which makes me finally desire to take the leap and make the necessary changes.  The next time I visit the grocery, I am not leaving with a bunch of bad apples.  I will be shopping for exactly what I came for…

1.  You have to love and fully accept yourself.  Anyone ever watch Silver Lining Playbook?  Tiffany, Jennifer Lawrence’s character, has a past and yet that is not who she is when she meets Bradley Cooper’s character.  She fully accepts that she was a slut, but that is apart of her.  She loves that it’s apart of her.  She understands that was a place she went and she is making a change.  Accepting the good parts of yourself and the bad parts will help you learn and acclimate to what you desire to be.  For me personally, I can accept that crazy road I ventured on as that is not me today.  It is however a part of me and what made me realize even more so my need for God in my life.  I have accepted my sins happen.  I am human.  I am doomed to fall and that my friends is written in my very DNA.  That helix is laced with my many flaws and short comings.  And hey, guess what?  God knows this and He loves me anyways!

2.  If you attract assholes, then you are probably being an asshole.  This one took me a while to figure out.  I didn’t really get how my decisions and shortcomings led me to only date assholes.  A long list of assholes at that!  You see, I had low self-esteem  and confidence in myself.  I thought that I “needed” what these men could offer.  Well for reflection sake, not really sure I needed ANY of what they had to offer except for a listening ear!  I was being a complete asshole to myself first and foremost.  I was in return being an asshole to those around me because we all know that it is the natural progression of things.  Then, I was attracting like-minded assholes that were in worse shape than me!  The ones who stuck out this phase, ended up knowing that was just a phase and not what I ultimately was going for which I am pretty grateful.  I have 5 very close friends and a big family to which loves me despite everything.

3.  You are surrounded by living examples each and everyday, sometimes you just need to open your eyes!  OK.  For the longest time, I have taken those around me for granted.  My mom and I for example used to butt heads more than anyone I know!  It was a mutual lack of understanding for where one another was at in life.  Now looking back at it, it just was this tremulous period for the both of us.  I was immature.  I was going through whatever teenagers/young adults go through.  It took me until recently, living with my grandma, to understand my mom better.  I lived with my grandma for just over a year and my mom is so much like her mom it’s not even funny.  My mom of course is in a different period in her life than her mother, but now I have been given another example of a true woman.  My mom is a control freak.  She likes to think she has more control than she does and because of that it causes conflict.  My grandma used to be the same way.  My mom has gotten a lot better over the years as far as just letting go of the fact that her adult children are going to make their decisions and she has little input in the way they live their life.  My mom will subtly present her opinion in a tactful manner but ultimately we were raised to be individuals.  Grandma prays.  Right now she is toward the later part of her life and she spends good and earnest time praying.  She has a peace about her.  She no longer worries about what her children are doing nor does she let that bother her.  Her control and worry has been given up to God.   Both woman are examples of the sort of woman I desire to become.  Here they are right in front of me!  Both go to church, say their prayers, make time to teach and be there for their families.  They spend time feeding, clothing, and running children’s rear ends around town….they did this out of love for all of us.  That is amazing.

4. Make a grocery list and don’t lose sight until you get everything you set out to get!  I likened my “ex list” a little like going to the grocery.  I am making too many trips to the grocery to buy things I don’t need (AKA DRAMA), want (a “man” who “cares” about you HA!), and over all I am falling short!  I am paying WAY TOO MUCH for bad unnecessary goods!  So I am making a grocery list accordingly and not taking my eyes off of it until I get what I set out to have.  I deserve it.  I am not going to settle for anything less this time.  I deserve the best you know…

The person I desire to become is a woman who is virtuous.  She is a well-rounded, thoughtful, and caring individual who puts others needs first.  She doesn’t limit God to working through her to fulfill her very purpose of being created.  She possesses true compassion, patience, and doesn’t worry about what she lacks.  She prays regularly.  She dresses modestly.  She is confident in who she is as a woman of God.  She stands firm in her beliefs.  She loves wholeheartedly despite outcome or without expectation.  She is honest and truthful.  She possess integrity.  She has humility and knows she is not perfect.  She has her own style and is confident in wearing it.  She equally knows she will never stop trying to be a better person despite her flaws.  She will persevere and carry what cross she is being asked to carry without question.  She is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  She is loyal, faithful, and devout always.

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I may not be that woman today…but I will never stop moving forward.  Maybe one day I will get there and maybe one day I won’t.  Regardless, I will never stop desiring to be that woman.  Life is a journey you know…

A girl can dream can’t she? 😉
CatMan

 

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