The Woman I Desire to Be

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“When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

~Venerable Fulton J. Sheen

I came across this very quote a day or two ago on Facebook.  One of my contacts had this posted and it really go me thinking about woman and their purpose with in the realm of this world.  I mean, your day-to-day accommodations, vocations, and everything to which fulfills the beautiful role of being a woman.  There is a lot more to it than you might think!

Something I personally have struggled with is finding my way into discovering what it means to be a real woman.  Not a girl…but a woman.  Not just any woman either.  I want to find my identity as a woman of God.  I will be the first to tell you that I have been on a wily road prior to this investigation. Do I really have what it takes to grow up and be the woman who I know I am being called to be?  I lacked confidence.  I lacked esteem.  Because of my lack of understanding, my heart lacked a desire to change.  Hell, I was doing just fine with where I was at and with what I was doing….but was I really doing as fine as I thought?  I didn’t want to change for a long while because it seemed forced or rather too contrived.  If the CatMan was going to change, then it was most definitely going to be because I wanted to do so.

Recently, I was told and came across many individuals (randomly of course) speaking to me as “You will attract a certain person or type of person”.  This would make sense.  So if I applied that to the long list of ex-s that I have, I am giving off something that is attracting these pathetic jerks who didn’t have a clue what it meant to be the kind of man I deserve!   They are selfish ultimately.  They don’t get it and haven’t a clue either.  I think that I am a compassionate person to an extent that I have no boundaries.  I want to be there and help whomever and wherever needed.  I could also say compassionate to a fault.  I realized a few life lessons through my 12+ years of dating to which makes me finally desire to take the leap and make the necessary changes.  The next time I visit the grocery, I am not leaving with a bunch of bad apples.  I will be shopping for exactly what I came for…

1.  You have to love and fully accept yourself.  Anyone ever watch Silver Lining Playbook?  Tiffany, Jennifer Lawrence’s character, has a past and yet that is not who she is when she meets Bradley Cooper’s character.  She fully accepts that she was a slut, but that is apart of her.  She loves that it’s apart of her.  She understands that was a place she went and she is making a change.  Accepting the good parts of yourself and the bad parts will help you learn and acclimate to what you desire to be.  For me personally, I can accept that crazy road I ventured on as that is not me today.  It is however a part of me and what made me realize even more so my need for God in my life.  I have accepted my sins happen.  I am human.  I am doomed to fall and that my friends is written in my very DNA.  That helix is laced with my many flaws and short comings.  And hey, guess what?  God knows this and He loves me anyways!

2.  If you attract assholes, then you are probably being an asshole.  This one took me a while to figure out.  I didn’t really get how my decisions and shortcomings led me to only date assholes.  A long list of assholes at that!  You see, I had low self-esteem  and confidence in myself.  I thought that I “needed” what these men could offer.  Well for reflection sake, not really sure I needed ANY of what they had to offer except for a listening ear!  I was being a complete asshole to myself first and foremost.  I was in return being an asshole to those around me because we all know that it is the natural progression of things.  Then, I was attracting like-minded assholes that were in worse shape than me!  The ones who stuck out this phase, ended up knowing that was just a phase and not what I ultimately was going for which I am pretty grateful.  I have 5 very close friends and a big family to which loves me despite everything.

3.  You are surrounded by living examples each and everyday, sometimes you just need to open your eyes!  OK.  For the longest time, I have taken those around me for granted.  My mom and I for example used to butt heads more than anyone I know!  It was a mutual lack of understanding for where one another was at in life.  Now looking back at it, it just was this tremulous period for the both of us.  I was immature.  I was going through whatever teenagers/young adults go through.  It took me until recently, living with my grandma, to understand my mom better.  I lived with my grandma for just over a year and my mom is so much like her mom it’s not even funny.  My mom of course is in a different period in her life than her mother, but now I have been given another example of a true woman.  My mom is a control freak.  She likes to think she has more control than she does and because of that it causes conflict.  My grandma used to be the same way.  My mom has gotten a lot better over the years as far as just letting go of the fact that her adult children are going to make their decisions and she has little input in the way they live their life.  My mom will subtly present her opinion in a tactful manner but ultimately we were raised to be individuals.  Grandma prays.  Right now she is toward the later part of her life and she spends good and earnest time praying.  She has a peace about her.  She no longer worries about what her children are doing nor does she let that bother her.  Her control and worry has been given up to God.   Both woman are examples of the sort of woman I desire to become.  Here they are right in front of me!  Both go to church, say their prayers, make time to teach and be there for their families.  They spend time feeding, clothing, and running children’s rear ends around town….they did this out of love for all of us.  That is amazing.

4. Make a grocery list and don’t lose sight until you get everything you set out to get!  I likened my “ex list” a little like going to the grocery.  I am making too many trips to the grocery to buy things I don’t need (AKA DRAMA), want (a “man” who “cares” about you HA!), and over all I am falling short!  I am paying WAY TOO MUCH for bad unnecessary goods!  So I am making a grocery list accordingly and not taking my eyes off of it until I get what I set out to have.  I deserve it.  I am not going to settle for anything less this time.  I deserve the best you know…

The person I desire to become is a woman who is virtuous.  She is a well-rounded, thoughtful, and caring individual who puts others needs first.  She doesn’t limit God to working through her to fulfill her very purpose of being created.  She possesses true compassion, patience, and doesn’t worry about what she lacks.  She prays regularly.  She dresses modestly.  She is confident in who she is as a woman of God.  She stands firm in her beliefs.  She loves wholeheartedly despite outcome or without expectation.  She is honest and truthful.  She possess integrity.  She has humility and knows she is not perfect.  She has her own style and is confident in wearing it.  She equally knows she will never stop trying to be a better person despite her flaws.  She will persevere and carry what cross she is being asked to carry without question.  She is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  She is loyal, faithful, and devout always.

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I may not be that woman today…but I will never stop moving forward.  Maybe one day I will get there and maybe one day I won’t.  Regardless, I will never stop desiring to be that woman.  Life is a journey you know…

A girl can dream can’t she? 😉
CatMan

 

Day 39: I am tired and this is getting hard…

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As Jonathan Livingston Seagull said, “keep on working on Love.”  Dumb book, good quote.  😉 (as delivered by a friend)

Even though this is hard, I will still find humor!  I must as this is a rather heavy post.  Just jam to this one for a while….good ole’ Whitney Houston classic!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C-fD54Inn8

Love most definitely is something that is to be worked on throughly each and every day.  It is hard to think, but much like anything that is a seemingly new way for our brain process we must think about it in everything at first until it becomes second nature.  Love is not something we learn over night, yet if integrated into our lifestyle now, it will become easier and easier to love.  They way of love is deep and intimate.  You start to look at a person and love them despite hurting you.  The hurt as I understand it is what comes across when someone is deeply troubled.  Look past the initial wrong doing.  Stare a little deeper into their heart and soul and realize that this person is very special despite their flaws.  I was taught not to judge another as that is not loving them.  We are taught to help our brother and sister’s out if we are able to yet not to be taken advantage of.  We are encouraged to look through the eyes of God and not that of our human nature.

It is easy to sit and judge a person.  It is harder and more challenging to love on them and pray for them.  The more we pray, the easier it will be to come into a loving light with them.  There are a lot of people in my life that have hurt me or hurt those that I love.  I tend to react verse take a step back and see the reality of the situation.  Emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual misfortune whether warranted by self or other such situations is something I have been called to look upon with TRUTH and conviction.  Yet, if I am really loving this person, then I need to love them in a real way and not speak everything on my mind even though this person lies to themselves, others and really uses and abuses himself and others involved.  We say you are old enough to know better.  It is a tricky sort as to say “he should know better”.  But if a person is really ill, then should we say that?  I think the thing that makes me less tolerant of this specific situation is that the person involved is above getting help.  So as reckless as this road is he is walking, he is the only one that can choose otherwise.

How to have compassion toward someone that has a problem with substance abuse, how to have love toward someone whose demons seemingly mask themselves underneath the surface–then they are OK until the next episode where they manipulate their way back,  and how am I to do this??  I will tell you.  I am called to pray for them.  That is the hardest.  Pray for their awareness.  Pray for my ability to have compassion and to speak the TRUTH toward him and be the beacon of light to which I am called to be.  That is how one develops compassion through times as such.

I am a big proponent that if someone has a problem, you hit that nail on the head.  You fix the problem and you move on….in many cases it is not that simple.  I would like to think that everything should be so simple, yet due to fear, anguish, guilt, and other such negative thoughts that are infiltrated into our core as we are humans all cause such complications as to “not deal” with the situation rather put a temporary bandaid on it.  Bandaids will fall off and nothing will be corrected.  That part frustrates me.  Get help.  I say this out of love because I am tired of seeing the same wrong doing repeated toward others.  I am tired of seeing those I love hurt.  I love him, really I do.

Today’s Prayer:
“Lord grant me the ability to love this person as you love me and all of my many faults as I know I am not perfect.  Let me think about every word before it escapes my lips.  Let it be words driven by truth and love.  Let me contemplate my every action before it is done.  Let my action be driven by truth and love.  Let my thoughts be pure and think only out of love of my family, friends, and those who are placed in my path today.  Let all of my life be driven by love! Amen.”

Exhaustion at it's finest

Exhaustion at it’s finest

Ignorance is not bliss…

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“Where there is charity and wisdom, there is neither fear nor ignorance.”
St. Francis of Assisi

On a side note, today started with laughter and it continues to do so.  A friend of mine’s texts just made me crack up!  Life is so very funny and it makes me glad knowing other people that have “incidentals” that they can share that don’t make my incidentals feel like I am the only one that accidentally wears a black undergarment under a white shirt either.  🙂  Super Woman just is the best.  That all being said, this is just my thoughts this morning.

It amazes me the amount of sheer ignorance people have.  Life for me has been so busy, hence why you haven’t heard from me in a while.  I started school in August and I am going proudly for Cosmetology.  I am excited at this change.  I personally figured out how to pay for my schooling.  I figured that out and made it work.  I do not expect anyone to help me pay this money back.  I do not expect or think that I am entitled to have anything.  I have been blessed to be given what I have and for that I make the most of it.  Some people simply don’t get it.  People become victims of their own excuses because they are lazy and don’t want to work for it.  Lazy never gets anyone anywhere.

Managing one’s resources is key to our very survival.  Managing our views and perceptions as well becomes a large part of this equation as well.  It seems there is a large amount of mismanagement and fear driven actions going on in this world today.  Also, it might be a lack of awareness and rising above the negative to really get results.  I, first of all, want to say that is hardly the way we should be living as we will be constant slaves to our current state, if that is truly the case.  Learning the basics of what our strengths, weaknesses, perception of self, what we NEED to survive…etc…we need to be able to personally identify these items within ourselves so we can make the most of our resources given.  It would be a complete shame for us to look and say “I have nothing to offer” as even the smallest most amount of anything.  Kindness is one thing anyone can offer and it doesn’t cost a thing!  But, I must remind you though, kindness is sometimes very hard when we are looking at someone we do not like.  If it is truly a gift then we should give it freely despite who it is toward.

I am learning that ignorance is one of the leading diseases to living is fear and death in our world.  Side affects include: apathy, negativity, anger, lack of understanding, sarcasm, laziness, unhappiness….etc.  If you think you are living in this state, you are wrong!  You are a mere zombie.  If you are truly living, what are you afraid of?  If you have all your ducks in a row, you do everything as you ought to and you pray daily…God never says it will be easy, but you will always be taken care of.  These security blankets of “stuff” you possess cannot be taken with you so why should we worry about what happens to a book, a hat, a new shirt…because of pride, that is why.  We take great pride in ourselves to which if in check is a very good thing.  We cannot let pride be the main objective; however or else it will become like fear and consume us wholly.  In the end, these negative feelings hinder our ability to see what we can posses and give others.

Today, I will personally stop making excuses and raise my level of personal awareness and show compassion and kindness toward those who aren’t there yet.  I can give that much.  I can do so generously without money either.  Isn’t that the greatest gift that keeps on giving anyways?

Give what you have and all will come back to you.  Let us not be victims of our own circumstance.  Let’s treat the disease and move forward.  Let us release the negativity and offer it up. I always find the more I give the struggles up, the more it is thrown back as positives.  At the end of the day, the positives are what propel you, drive you, and make a difference.  Keep your head and chin up.  Stay on your knees and let’s work through the ignorance together.  By raising our awareness, we will increase in wisdom and give more charity in return.

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Affirmation and Mantra for today:  “Let me raise my personal awareness.  Let me not be a victim of circumstance and negativity.  Let me give gifts of compassion and kindness to all I encounter.  Let me walk fearless knowing God is with me always.”

❤ The CatMan

You can’t teach compassion!

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You can’t have a light without a dark to stick it in.
– Arlo Guthrie

Today I start with this quote.  I say this because I am sick of being in a funk.  Bad days….good days…its life!  Life is all about what you make of it.  Part of this funk includes a harsh realization of who my friends really are and whom of which I can depend on…which surprisingly enough are a TON.

Friends make everything better.  If they are sincerely your friend, they will be there with you in heart, soul, love, and in your life!  When they exit, they really aren’t leaving for good but just taking a vacation.  So many times we get bogged down with the everyday grind that it’s difficult to see the light.  Friends get you to refocus yourself back on the light.  They can untangle the mess your in and help you get back on track.

Isn’t it amazing how well things work out when we keep things in perspective?  That bad day we had three weeks ago doesn’t seem all that bad now.  You survived!  It is inevitable that you are going to have more bad days to come…can you survive those too?  YES!  Yes you can.  Keep yourself in check and support those in their efforts.  Be a friend.

There are different levels of friendship but a friend is a friend none the less.  Keep an open and understanding heart to all those who are in your life and even to those who aren’t.  Did you know that you can be a friend to a complete stranger?  Amazing isn’t it?!  Stay positive for yourself first and foremost.  Stay positive and strong for those around you.  Be kind to everyone…not just those who you consider friends.  I love this quote by Plato, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”.  But, most of all have compassion toward all.

 

Aren't the hands of kindness so beautiful?

 

 

Everyone struggles with their life.  No one said life was going to be easy.  Doing the right thing, being there for someone even when it is inconvenient for you, loving someone even though they don’t love you back…these are all hard things to do but, if practiced often it helps keep things in perspective.  When practiced, you shift your whole outlook on humanity, yourself, others, your relationship with others…etc.

I cannot teach you to be positive.  I cannot teach you kindness.  I cannot teach you to be compassionate.  I can show you how to be positive, kind, and compassionate though!

 

Be an unexpected Angel...there's an element of surprise!

 

 

Reach out.  Be a friend to someone today.  They might really need someone’s kind words to help them thru their unheard battles.  They might just really need someone to listen or take interest in them.  Or maybe just a heartfelt encouraging note.  It doesn’t take much to be a friend.  It merely takes a simple act of love.  This is so fitting…http://www.actoflovefoundation.org/.

 

Expect nothing. Gain everything!

 

 

“The Douche Lord”

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Today I devote my blog entry to all of those men that make women’s life heck.  Oh you know who you are…Here’s a clue if you still don’t get it:  the Italian Stallion was definitely one of them.

 

One example of a Douche Lord

 

OK women beware.  This type of man lurks everywhere with only one motive in mind…”satisfy myself”.  How rude?  Very rude.

So first I am going to define what a Douche Lord is and then we will go from there.  A Douche Lord is a man who is usually full of himself in one way shape or form.  He think’s he cares for others but, really he is using them and OK with manipulating them to get what he wants.  His world revolves around numero uno.  (He is a victim of the Me-Me-Me syndrome)  Well this type of male is totally toxic for a woman’s self-esteem, divine nature, and just is a one man wrecking crew.

Here is a good blog I found highlighting some Douche Bags thru the ages: http://www.the-fed.org/articles/volume25/issue2/douches.html

A Douche Lord is King of the Douche Bags.  He may or may not be affiliated with a fraternal order.  More than likely he thinks he is a pretty boy, but really he just looks silly.  He tries too hard.  These men should be avoided at all cost!

 

hahahahahaha! 🙂 What goofs!

 

This weekend I realized that there is way too much of this “me” douche bag-ness in our society and culture.  Sorry men for just picking on you, but the fact is women can be Douche Lords as much as men can.  So it does go both ways.

Life isn’t really about us.  Life should be about a bigger picture.  How we as tiny humble beings are using our gifts to help serve others on their journey, how we can make someone’s day a little better, or how we can make an impact on people we come in contact with daily.  If we truly want to make a difference in this world then, we need to see what is in front of our faces and act/react accordingly.  Love starts with you.  Kindness starts with….say it…YOU.  Compassion starts with you.

Let’s all make a promise to ourselves today my followers to not be Douche Lords or Douche Bags.  Lets think of others today, not ourselves AND remember where we have been and where we are going.  This is fitting for the Christmas Season.  Be kind to all those traveling on this difficult journey called life and help a brother (or sister!) out!

Today (or everyday’s) Mantra:  “I will put aside my wants and selfish desires today and be more giving and forgiving.  I will make it a better day for my family and friends.”

Give, not to receive or ask in return.  That’s the first step to being happy loves!

Love and good blessings to you sweet friend!

 

XOXO

CatMan