Today, I was in the car driving and one of my favorite En Vogue songs ever. This one just kind of gets the hamster wheels a going and makes you think “poop or get off the pot”. Since February I have been dealing with a ton of emotional pieces and changes. I also recently had a friend call me out stone cold on something that I needed to change about myself. Here is kind of how it went down.
Over the past months I have been discerning some additions to my already overflowing gift basket of qualities. I have been considering going back to school in August for hair. I dealt with an emotional break-up…still hurt, I need to address some aspects of myself that I have to change. It is apparent that the hurt is still very fresh and there; however those who have hurt me are not so understanding of why I have such emotions and negativity. I turned into a busy body. I have also turned into a short fuse. The fuse tends to go off at those I love the most. Which haha…well it was my dad 2 weeks ago and Nomad earlier this week. That is not good. This person called me out big time and then I said somethings that I really didn’t mean. They pushed further out because they took it personally and they just didn’t want to deal with it. I know I am not perfect, but I know darn well that I am trying my hardest to get to where I need to be. I have a plan and goals…but in the process of getting there I need for this hurt to be addressed as not to fuse out on certain people anymore.
I don’t want you thinking that I only spoke hurtful things because I didn’t. I said some very honest things too. These things he needed to hear as much as I needed to hear what he said to me. He is completely right as well as I was, but even after apology he wont own up to it being HIS fault I am hurting. He has nothing to say about that. I cannot change that either. Unless someone is willing to say, “hey I am sorry for treating you as bad just months back!” the hurt will always remain. Maybe it isn’t in the cards for us to be friends at this point or ever.
It is a hard thing to realize that you are ONLY in control of yourself and YOUR journey. This is a hard thing for me to understand, but I am getting there. I am coming around slowly. In my mind, I would want someone to warn me if they thought I was in the wrong or headed down a path of self-destruction. Apparently not everyone wants that kind of warning. I think true friends understand that warning system.
How does a friendship move past these little explosions and get on to having a loving relationship? How is this possible if both hurt parties keep pushing the other away and the misunderstandings still stand? Both of us are under stress but still is no excuse to walk out…I don’t care what anyone says, that is so not right. Anyone have any suggestions? I guess only time can tell…
In the end, the only bridge to understanding greater is to invite others to share their stories with us. Some tend to share sporadically and others need the verbal invite to feel like you need them to be apart of their life. I need to lay my ego down. I need to also lay my pride down…and just keep focused. I need to pray more. I need to realistically get these goals accomplished and move the stones, rocks, and mountains God needs me to move! I think I owe it to myself anyways.
I vow to stop making excuses and start living my life. I need to remain grounded and keep on making headway…Keep going little CatMan….