The Woman I Desire to Be

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“When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

~Venerable Fulton J. Sheen

I came across this very quote a day or two ago on Facebook.  One of my contacts had this posted and it really go me thinking about woman and their purpose with in the realm of this world.  I mean, your day-to-day accommodations, vocations, and everything to which fulfills the beautiful role of being a woman.  There is a lot more to it than you might think!

Something I personally have struggled with is finding my way into discovering what it means to be a real woman.  Not a girl…but a woman.  Not just any woman either.  I want to find my identity as a woman of God.  I will be the first to tell you that I have been on a wily road prior to this investigation. Do I really have what it takes to grow up and be the woman who I know I am being called to be?  I lacked confidence.  I lacked esteem.  Because of my lack of understanding, my heart lacked a desire to change.  Hell, I was doing just fine with where I was at and with what I was doing….but was I really doing as fine as I thought?  I didn’t want to change for a long while because it seemed forced or rather too contrived.  If the CatMan was going to change, then it was most definitely going to be because I wanted to do so.

Recently, I was told and came across many individuals (randomly of course) speaking to me as “You will attract a certain person or type of person”.  This would make sense.  So if I applied that to the long list of ex-s that I have, I am giving off something that is attracting these pathetic jerks who didn’t have a clue what it meant to be the kind of man I deserve!   They are selfish ultimately.  They don’t get it and haven’t a clue either.  I think that I am a compassionate person to an extent that I have no boundaries.  I want to be there and help whomever and wherever needed.  I could also say compassionate to a fault.  I realized a few life lessons through my 12+ years of dating to which makes me finally desire to take the leap and make the necessary changes.  The next time I visit the grocery, I am not leaving with a bunch of bad apples.  I will be shopping for exactly what I came for…

1.  You have to love and fully accept yourself.  Anyone ever watch Silver Lining Playbook?  Tiffany, Jennifer Lawrence’s character, has a past and yet that is not who she is when she meets Bradley Cooper’s character.  She fully accepts that she was a slut, but that is apart of her.  She loves that it’s apart of her.  She understands that was a place she went and she is making a change.  Accepting the good parts of yourself and the bad parts will help you learn and acclimate to what you desire to be.  For me personally, I can accept that crazy road I ventured on as that is not me today.  It is however a part of me and what made me realize even more so my need for God in my life.  I have accepted my sins happen.  I am human.  I am doomed to fall and that my friends is written in my very DNA.  That helix is laced with my many flaws and short comings.  And hey, guess what?  God knows this and He loves me anyways!

2.  If you attract assholes, then you are probably being an asshole.  This one took me a while to figure out.  I didn’t really get how my decisions and shortcomings led me to only date assholes.  A long list of assholes at that!  You see, I had low self-esteem  and confidence in myself.  I thought that I “needed” what these men could offer.  Well for reflection sake, not really sure I needed ANY of what they had to offer except for a listening ear!  I was being a complete asshole to myself first and foremost.  I was in return being an asshole to those around me because we all know that it is the natural progression of things.  Then, I was attracting like-minded assholes that were in worse shape than me!  The ones who stuck out this phase, ended up knowing that was just a phase and not what I ultimately was going for which I am pretty grateful.  I have 5 very close friends and a big family to which loves me despite everything.

3.  You are surrounded by living examples each and everyday, sometimes you just need to open your eyes!  OK.  For the longest time, I have taken those around me for granted.  My mom and I for example used to butt heads more than anyone I know!  It was a mutual lack of understanding for where one another was at in life.  Now looking back at it, it just was this tremulous period for the both of us.  I was immature.  I was going through whatever teenagers/young adults go through.  It took me until recently, living with my grandma, to understand my mom better.  I lived with my grandma for just over a year and my mom is so much like her mom it’s not even funny.  My mom of course is in a different period in her life than her mother, but now I have been given another example of a true woman.  My mom is a control freak.  She likes to think she has more control than she does and because of that it causes conflict.  My grandma used to be the same way.  My mom has gotten a lot better over the years as far as just letting go of the fact that her adult children are going to make their decisions and she has little input in the way they live their life.  My mom will subtly present her opinion in a tactful manner but ultimately we were raised to be individuals.  Grandma prays.  Right now she is toward the later part of her life and she spends good and earnest time praying.  She has a peace about her.  She no longer worries about what her children are doing nor does she let that bother her.  Her control and worry has been given up to God.   Both woman are examples of the sort of woman I desire to become.  Here they are right in front of me!  Both go to church, say their prayers, make time to teach and be there for their families.  They spend time feeding, clothing, and running children’s rear ends around town….they did this out of love for all of us.  That is amazing.

4. Make a grocery list and don’t lose sight until you get everything you set out to get!  I likened my “ex list” a little like going to the grocery.  I am making too many trips to the grocery to buy things I don’t need (AKA DRAMA), want (a “man” who “cares” about you HA!), and over all I am falling short!  I am paying WAY TOO MUCH for bad unnecessary goods!  So I am making a grocery list accordingly and not taking my eyes off of it until I get what I set out to have.  I deserve it.  I am not going to settle for anything less this time.  I deserve the best you know…

The person I desire to become is a woman who is virtuous.  She is a well-rounded, thoughtful, and caring individual who puts others needs first.  She doesn’t limit God to working through her to fulfill her very purpose of being created.  She possesses true compassion, patience, and doesn’t worry about what she lacks.  She prays regularly.  She dresses modestly.  She is confident in who she is as a woman of God.  She stands firm in her beliefs.  She loves wholeheartedly despite outcome or without expectation.  She is honest and truthful.  She possess integrity.  She has humility and knows she is not perfect.  She has her own style and is confident in wearing it.  She equally knows she will never stop trying to be a better person despite her flaws.  She will persevere and carry what cross she is being asked to carry without question.  She is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  She is loyal, faithful, and devout always.

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I may not be that woman today…but I will never stop moving forward.  Maybe one day I will get there and maybe one day I won’t.  Regardless, I will never stop desiring to be that woman.  Life is a journey you know…

A girl can dream can’t she? 😉
CatMan

 

Day 2, One Word Challenge: The Dream

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Love is not love until love’s vulnerable.  

She slowed to sigh, in that long interval.  

A small bird flew in circles where she stood;

The deer came down, out of the dappled wood.  

All who remember, doubt.  Who calls that strange?  

I tossed a stone, and listened to its plunge.  

She knew the grammar of least motion,

She taught me one virtue, and I live thereby.

 

She held her body steady in the wind; 

Our shadows met, and slowly swung around;  

She turned the field into a glittering sea; 

I played in flame and water like a boy 

And I swayed out beyond the white sea-foam;

Like a wet log, I sang within a flame.

In that last while, eternity’s confine,

I came to love, I came into my own.

–Theodore Roethke

 

Today, the first and last lines in this poem ring true for me.  In order to love, we must be OK with being vulnerable.  Being vulnerable might leave us open for target of good and bad, but that is the only way to learn truly what love is.  No matter what, live life with an open heart and try to fight back at reacting negatively when we get hurt.  Learning the ways of Love will wake you up and ‘come into your own’.

The CatMan

Don’t be afraid to dream and execute!

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Blogger friends,

OK, No excuses…BUT my life has been one hot mess lately.  I apologize but, now I am back.  Guilty pleasure of course…blogging!  TAH-DAH!  I cannot believe how life has all of a sudden picked up!  It seems like any free time that I have had is now devoted to work functions, events, planning, and Nomad.  I must note, Nomad has been a very great encourager when I feel most bogged down with my schedule.  I am signed up to run a mini marathon here in 2 weekends and I am not going to lie, I MAY DIE.  I have been training as much as my schedule will allow, which to be honest isn’t enough at all.  I feel drained, but never fear!  I found this really great “energy potion” that I created….I am patenting this soon but, I have to find the time to do the ordinary “tie your shoe” sort of thing first.  Maybe that will be what makes me millions some day!

I have taken on an adjusted role for Herb.  I have been not only helping him with his work, but also taking on a role of helping gather information for his will.  This is a part that I am unseasoned with in regards to this new experience.  It is bittersweet for me.  As he is a friend whom I can have those awkward conversations with, talk to him about anything on my mind or heart, or just vent when I need to get something out of my head.  He is a great companion and yes as much as Herb grovels about this that or the old biddies in the Cafe’…he has a great heart and good intentions.  So, I must confess this has been a very serious topic as I see him slipping in little ways.  It is inspiring too, knowing that this man has lived more so than anyone ever could imagine and I got to play a minor role in his life.  I know he appreciates me.  I see that; sometimes I have to look a little harder to see it but, it’s always there.

I haven’t had as much time to volunteer lately.  This makes me sad.  I haven’t seen my Special Olympics athletes in forever.  I haven’t been able to do the things I really want to do in a sense, because life has been SO crazy.  I realized just yesterday that I will be out-of-town the next 4 weekends for various things…then in May it gets a little better.  BUT, come end of July–I will be gone for 2 weeks (wedding weekend-X-Games-few days off then WEDDING 2!)  Wedding one is for my sweet cousin Bry-guy on my dad’s side.  Weekend of July 23rd in Spokane WA.  X-Games then is after for exactly a week.  THEN, it is off from west coast to the east coast for the next wedding.  The second wedding is for my cousin Rachy who is my cousin on my mom’s side.  Both of them are awesome and I am so fortunate that they are not on the same day.  🙂  Man did I luck out!  It is going to be so much fun.  Good thing lent is over…guess I can get my moderate drink on!

OH, today!  I almost forgot!  We had our video shoot for our website!  WAAAHHOOOOO!  So, I am now officially up-to-date with what was required of me for that mess.  Now it’s in editing mode.  Cannot wait to see it!  I internally jumping up and down at this accomplishment!  This has been a huge mountain that I have had to climb, fall down a few times and finally made it to the top!  YAY!  Guess I just had to work a little harder.  That is a good thing.

OH and the other thing I totally forgot to tell you…child scissors are not really good at cutting thru construction paper.  As I found out helping my sister with her homework.  Definitely the finest fail moment of the night!  Turn your head to the left….yup that’s me!

OPPS...

I leave you with this link.  Let this be your inspiration when you feel like you just cannot get something accomplished or done.  Don’t be afraid to dream and execute!  These are the things that continue to get me going even when it feels like I am getting nowhere.   http://www.wimp.com/soccervillage/

Holy Socks

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Monday, Monday, Monday…holy socks.  I want to dispel a nasty rumor that is going around that Catholic’s have special socks.  On Monday, I had a holy sock on and my friend thought that we actually wore “holy” socks!  I lost it.  No, unlike the Mormons we do not wear “holy” underwear, or socks for that matter.  Mine, just so happened to have a hole in them.  sigh.  Silly people and their silly believes and thoughts.  heavier sigh.

Today, I am torn.  I am torn because I have so much laundry to do tonight and just not enough time.  I have too much things on my mind to focus clearly and my blackberry just got reformatted and updated.  Now it is running like new.  Billy Joel is getting me thru this apathetic work day and making it more bearable.  Is it bad that today I just don’t care?  I don’t care to be taking on my horrifically long to-do list from heck, or if I don’t care that I am starving and have yet to eat lunch?

A friend of mine shared with me a dream of hers…it was fabulously epic!  She dreamt that I was dressed up as Sandy from Greece, leather and curls and all!

Yep this is definitely me! HA.

Absolutely the most amazing thing.  Lets just put it this way, I can relate.  You know I go for all the bad dangerous guys!  Like my last boyfriend Mo.  He was a biker that I met at this Country Western Bar here in town.  He totally asked me to take a ride on his Harley.  It was love at first bike.  🙂  It was better than I could have ever imagined.  My long flowing hair just blew in the wind.  I must say there was no feeling like it!  Sigh…and then he broke my heart and told me that he wasn’t into girls anymore.  I cried for days then, I moved on to the next man!    I am a serial dater you know…or maybe you didn’t know…well NOW you know  😉

Dream Interpretation….

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I have been a little stressed lately.  My dreams have been reflecting them I am afraid.  Last night, I had a crazy dream that I was going to a faucet and I was getting a glass of water and I urinated on myself (i know gross right??) but instead of getting embarrassed that someone might have seen I just poured a glass of water on myself and laughed “ooops silly me!”

In looking up my dream interpretation this made the most sense: “…To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and a release of negative or repressed emotions. Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life. You are literally “pissed off” and not expressing yourself in a positive or constructive manner.”  BINGO!  What do I do now to fix that?

Instead of getting “pissed off”, I need to positively deal with them thru therapeutic acts.  Right now, I am listening to 80’s music.  I am trying to let go of the awful situations I cannot change thru singing.  Does it help?  Um…maybe?  But not even Billy Joel could cure this one…I can’t really sing so I feel bad for the other’s in the office.  Do I care?  No!   Maybe I will paint more?  Maybe…but that costs a lot of money sometimes…MAYBE I COULD pick up a hobby!  YES!…but which one?   Maybe I could just laugh?

After today, I might just be insane.  Might as well throw my scissors into the hallway.  I am tired, frustrated but not quite defeated yet.  I am discouraged, but not defeated.  I think I will choose laughter as my therapy at this point in my day.  Stay tuned….

My kind of Therapy! Laughing with a full heart 🙂

Maybe I am getting frustrated because I am in the process of learning how to transform the ugly negative in my life into light and love but I AM NOT THERE YET! What a transformation of patience (that much like singing–I don’t have that one either!)  One of these days I will get there…Promise!