What’s it Gonna Be?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8wO-b95z14

Today, I was in the car driving and one of my favorite En Vogue songs ever.  This one just kind of gets the hamster wheels a going and makes you think “poop or get off the pot”.  Since February I have been dealing with a ton of emotional pieces and changes.  I also recently had a friend call me out stone cold on something that I needed to change about myself.  Here is kind of how it went down.

Over the past months I have been discerning some additions to my already overflowing gift basket of qualities.  I have been considering going back to school in August for hair.  I dealt with an emotional break-up…still hurt, I need to address some aspects of myself that I have to change.  It is apparent that the hurt is still very fresh and there; however those who have hurt me are not so understanding of why I have such emotions and negativity.  I turned into a busy body.  I have also turned into a short fuse.  The fuse tends to go off at those I love the most.  Which haha…well it was my dad 2 weeks ago and Nomad earlier this week.  That is not good.  This person called me out big time and then I said somethings that I really didn’t mean.  They pushed further out because they took it personally and they just didn’t want to deal with it.  I know I am not perfect, but I know darn well that I am trying my hardest to get to where I need to be.  I have a plan and goals…but in the process of getting there I need for this hurt to be addressed as not to fuse out on certain people anymore.

I don’t want you thinking that I only spoke hurtful things because I didn’t.  I said some very honest things too.  These things he needed to hear as much as I needed to hear what he said to me.  He is completely right as well as I was, but even after apology he wont own up to it being HIS fault I am hurting.  He has nothing to say about that.  I cannot change that either.  Unless someone is willing to say, “hey I am sorry for treating you as bad just months back!”  the hurt will always remain.  Maybe it isn’t in the cards for us to be friends at this point or ever.

It is a hard thing to realize that you are ONLY in control of yourself and YOUR journey.  This is a hard thing for me to understand, but I am getting there.  I am coming around slowly.  In my mind, I would want someone to warn me if they thought I was in the wrong or headed down a path of self-destruction.  Apparently not everyone wants that kind of warning.  I think true friends understand that warning system.

How does a friendship move past these little explosions and get on to having a loving relationship?  How is this possible if both hurt parties keep pushing the other away and the misunderstandings still stand?  Both of us are under stress but still is no excuse to walk out…I don’t care what anyone says, that is so not right.  Anyone have any suggestions?  I guess only time can tell…

In the end, the only bridge to understanding greater is to invite others to share their stories with us.  Some tend to share sporadically and others need the verbal invite to feel like you need them to be apart of their life.  I need to lay my ego down.  I need to also lay my pride down…and just keep focused.  I need to pray more.  I need to realistically get these goals accomplished and move the stones, rocks, and mountains God needs me to move!  I think I owe it to myself anyways.

Interesting thought, huh?  No excuses…

I vow to stop making excuses and start living my life.  I need to remain grounded and keep on making headway…Keep going little CatMan….

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Till the World Ends…..

This is my empowerment song of the morning:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5e_i4l4sBv8.

Yesterday, was a crazy day.  First off, I was just exhausted come the morning.  I had some head pressure in the base of my neck, down my spine, a raw throat, and some fluid in my ears.  The only thing I could think of is to roll back over and sleep it off.  I got up, got moving, and took some appropriate medicine that helped huge.

Then, I got an email from an ex of mine.  It was really kind of pathetic.  I sent a very assertive response back but, not bitchy.  I asked after the fact if I was out of line.  Well, I also told Nomad about the interaction.  It would eventually affect him in a possible social setting and the last thing I want is that to be awkward.  I sent him an email explaining it.  Past is past but, when you are trying to build a future it helps keeping things honest.  The song I left you with is in reference to this situation.  (ON THAT NOTE: Don’t send someone an email to ‘get in touch’ given that you might be seeing someone more often…it comes off like you are avoiding a confrontation

I totally wish I could have seen this dude on the street....I think I would have lightened up....

I worked on a big project all day.  80% of my day was spent with this one project only to realize in the last hour that I had written it up wrong not just once, but 4 times!?!?!?!  I sent the documents off to our vendor confirming it and HA….poor vendor!  So I looked like a royal dumb ass….when it was brought to my attention the 3rd time, I adjusted it and sent it off….then the 4th time I fell dramatically, upon sounding the “Eff my life” call thru the office, in kind of a laugh/cry mode.  Kind of collapsed to the lobby ground. Tears were streaming as I was laughing at the luck of the day!  How nuts is that?!  Then Herb called twice looking for me…that is all I will say about that one.

As I was clocking out and running off to help mom, I still had a smile on my face.  I might have just had a mini-meltdown but, I wasn’t going to let that defeat me.  Keep on pushing little engine….keep on pushing on thru….

Just as I was finishing up at work I get a frantic call from my mom…poor thing.  I had typed out a Track schedule earlier with all the dates and practice times.  Well the schedule at school changed and they couldn’t hold practice.  So my mom and I ran over to the track to catch people and send them home.  A lot of them were OK with it.  My mom felt horrible.  I found out later that she too had a pretty crazy terrible day!

I came home after that and slept then Nomad texted me.  “Do you want to talk about your day? Are you still stressed?” (me) “A little bit but it’s ok.  I don’t want to damper yours at all.” (Nomad) “Nonsense…we are here to saddle each other’s toil.”  (me melting at this point)  “hmmmm…” (Nomad) “?  We are here to hear each other.” (me) ” Thanks doll. 🙂  You are a good team player!” (Nomad) “:) Your welcome”  Then, when I was done getting ready for me I called him.

Then I sat and created a post followed by a sound, VERY SOUND, sleep.  Sometimes it takes a circus day thrown in there to make you appreciate the calmness in our own lives.  It makes me savor the moments to which I can sit in silence and hear nothing.  I just zone out.  I needed to have 5 minutes of that yesterday…but, if I need to slow down today that is exactly my course of action.

Here is a good song to end on…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrFBsYKrgE.

PS: perfect end to the night is run/walking 5 miles with Katherine (using mile markers as food items…pancakes, waffles, coffee….etc) then proceeding to go to IHOP!  All is well in the Universe!