Day 51: Prime Number

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“Love others as God has loved you. Ask God to grant you the grace and goodness to keep no record of the wrongs done to you.” (as posted from my cheer coach)

I think this is very fitting for today as last night I totally got thrown a curve ball.  An ex-bf that hurt me so much contacted me last night.  It really took me by surprise.  I had this inkling in the morning that something might happen, yet I just forgot about it.  You see, 2 years ago yesterday was the date we started dating.  Interesting timing, right?  This was Nomad and he didn’t connect the dots there.  It was a crazy time but there was a lot of joy there too.  Needless to say we hadn’t talked since New Years and it was nice hearing from him.  I forgave him for all he had done to me.  I also forgave him for breaking up with me on Valentine’s Day in the coward fashion he did.  I am in a better place.

It was random and actually made me very happy.  Even though I was taken back by it, I have just recognized that he and I will always be better served as friends.  I am over the hurt and I actually have him to thank as I can help and relate with other friends going through the similar.  It is a hard thing to realize, yet I am at complete peace.  I feel like that is exactly what I needed to test it too.  He seems to be doing the same ole same ole, but his heart is softer.  For that fact, I continue to pray for him.

I titled this post “Prime Number” as I think this is the prime concept needed in beginning to love a person.  As humans, we hurt ourselves, beat ourselves up, and project that on others which allows them to feel just as bad as we do.  We really as a whole need to work on that.  Once you see that it was nothing so personal and it was just a reflection of hurt in their own life, it makes it easier to forgive them.  I have forgiven him…I pray to forget that hurt and build a stronger foundation.  This foundation will then be set upon mutual respect and love.  Only then will that friendship, relationship, etc grow in goodness.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

Dream Weaver: Death by Sticky Buns

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Remind me.  You will have to as Gram’s “forgetfuls” are rubbing off so greatly at this point…remind me never to eat pizza and drink a glass of wine before bed.  This is the end result…sigh.

Experts They always say, “Dreams are a reflection of our inner most subconscious” well in this case I definitely would have to agree.  So get this!  I was at a hotel with this very good looking man.  He was smug, had a great smile, dressed to the Hilt, and most of all he was there all for me.  I was excited.

I don’t remember checking in, but I had a key.  Well he followed me in we laid our luggage down and you already know where this is going….we went out to the patio and laid in the grass.  Things started getting really steamy and I hear this knock on the door…so I get up and get it.  It seemed urgent.  Well here I was standing pant-less at the door in this big button down shirt that barely covered my rump!  It was my best friend and roommate from college at the door!  “Come here now I have to show you something…”  At that moment I looked to the patio.  I looked at her and I knew exactly what I had to go.  “Excuse me cute man with the big Popsicle,  but I must go see this…even though I would rather just lay….”

Next thing I know I am following Blizzy running swiftly down the hall of this ever so fancy hotel, still pant-less mind you, and it was up the stairs we go.  She takes me into a secretive hotel room where the TV was set up like a “Secret Agent” headquarters.  She was still shaking her head at me being pant-less.  We slide in and sit on the edge of the bed in front of the TV.  This cheesy video “update” comes on and she makes me watch the whole thing.  THE WHOLE THING….that’s another story…imagine this:

70’s music, flashing text with big retro lettering “WARNING” across the screen…this male voice over comes on as the video footage shows this “cute man with the big Popsicle” wooing other women.  Wooing them.  WOO-ING- THEM.  WOO-ING….(how rude…I thought he was a faithful loyal man bc aren’t they all?) and giving them these Sticky Buns.           {REALITY CHECK: I never call them ‘Sticky Buns’ I have always called them Cinnamon Rolls…proceed!}         Big Popsicle vs. Sticky Bun?!  I would have gone Sticky Bun any day!  Well as we continue watching I see him hand this girl a Sticky Bun and her proceed to eat it.  Then news footage of her being poisoned.  “Cute man” totally then went MIA.  Hmmm….Blizzy proceeds to tell me that he is a con man who kills his victims with Sticky Buns (say what?!) and that I needed to gather all my things and leave immediately!  We began heading back to my room….

Down the stairs and through the hallway, then there “cute man” was sitting all smug like on the couch outside my room with a big grin on his face.  “I’ve been waiting for you” (then he saw Blizzy and we knew it was too late).  “Oh honey buns (doh! I totally hope he doesn’t think I knew about the Sticky Bun incidents!) I need to go get freshened up before our date tonight!”  Cute man/con man says, “That’s fine but you will need a key…” Blizzy pulls a generic one out and we get in the door to see all of my everything ransacked!  He stole my credit cards, my ID, my money…etc….but I still had my life.  When I looked up, he was gone.

I couldn’t understand it.  I had been deceived, lied to, and I didn’t even know his name!  How naive could one be, yet he spared me my life.  I woke up laughing, but very confused.  I remember he had a huge you know…Popsicle…why remember those details?  Why so vivid…?  Upon processing it, I have come to the conclusion that this is an inner reflection of a spiritual battle that I have been facing OR someone put some “additives” in my pizza!  I allow the evil one to take advantage of my vulnerabilities, the openings, my cracks and am I so naive to think that I am invincible against these attacks?  Yet every time, I am still alive and actually feeling stronger even though I am weak.  I recognize and acknowledge these cracks and work hard to patch them and build positively upon them; however when these cracks are allowed to become as a dilapidated as the foundation of a house, the house starts to fall apart little by little.  These cracks will always be there but we must always work to patch them as permanent as we are allowed and able to and keep our house intact.  That is at least what I have decided, for whatever that is worth.