I am still venting over a situation that happened later in the day yesterday. I am no longer angry….but in a simple sense I am now left motivated. 🙂
A friend to whom I considered a pretty close friend and I got into it. Long story short, he hit a transition in his life and is acting out. He is hurt and being reckless. I have been trying to care enough to reach out. I wanted to reach out to make sure he was OK. He stopped talking to me. I knew something was up. SO, I see that he is magically in a relationship on the Book of Face. I am sorry, but I had to do what I did. If I was in a smacking distance, he would have gotten a smack for sure.
Last time, I saw this friend was in April. It had been since college since the last time I saw him. At least 5 years…or so. To make a long story short, we both exchanged “I love you’s” and a kiss or so. That always makes things more complicated. We have known each other for almost 8 years and he pulled this card. We didn’t talk about the kiss or exchange of words or anything until I brought it up yesterday in a moment of complete courage and honesty. He knows I care enough….but right now, I stand for a truth he cannot yet face. Hence why the label would be “overbearing” and the underlying emotion is a combo of anger, guilt, and “immediate physical gratification”.
At this point, he is in a high level of uncertainty and hurt. Dealing with coming back from deployment transition, a break-up over that deployment, missing his family as he is no where near them, and coming up on the crossroad of a career change. That is a hell of a lot to process alone. He is putting himself through this complete hell. So like a good friend, I reach out and try to be loving. That is just me being me being me.
For the first time in my life, since knowing Dr. Pepper, this is the first time it has gotten remotely hard to love on him. The conversation yesterday made me initially angry. I was so furious with him. He knew I was mad too. He claimed it was because I was passionate–I was overbearing. That is not it at all. I am a passionate person yes. But I am coming across “overbearing” because I care too much when he doesn’t care at all.
Now, Saturday night into Sunday morning, I couldn’t sleep. So, I wrote a letter. I wrote an unsent letter to him. July 7, 2013. I wrote out the very things I wanted so badly to tell him explaining my actions and observations, yet time didn’t allow it. The time was not right to send it. So now, I sit here with a letter that does no good and a feud with a long time friend over what?? Me trying to make an attempt at being a better friend to him. The same night as the letter, I heard in my heart that I am not praying enough. I needed to really try to pray much more. NOW I see why!!
I must confess I can feel Dr. Pepper in my heart. I felt the restlessness prior to the letter and about 2 weeks leading up to this blow-up. I feel confusion, tension, and most of all he is just uncertainty. I let it it go. I pray…then move on…
He said a lot of very funny things to me. He said that when he said “I love you” it was only in the friend sort of way. Um…then we kissed? Friend’s don’t kiss or say I am glad this didn’t happen prior to this point either. A mutual friend said his body language was not consistent with that comment. Nonverbal language speak volumes. And maybe it was awkward for him.
He really had the audacity to say “don’t be offended. I don’t let people in”…After 8 years, how could I not be offended?? Then I asked him how he could be in a relationship if he “didn’t let people in”…that isn’t going to work unless the relationship is based around one thing and one thing hurt people know well (take it from someone who has been there) physical aspect only. Carefree interaction. Someone to hang out with and do things with. No honest commitment. Simply IDEAL for someone who just doesn’t care. It is horrible and in the end it just sucks even more.
All you are doing is using each other to get by until your so miserable you can’t breathe and you either choose to move on or move to the next level. I chose to move on in my situation. It was masked by “I love you” but, really it wasn’t that at all. It was more infatuation than anything. That is what I found out. What a trick, thinking I actually cared about a person when all it did was leave me bruised and even more broken. Learned a hell of a lot though about myself and what I didn’t want.
So what is the purpose in all of this? To pray more and not worry about it. Love is a verb remember! Some get it and others do not. We love them even more through prayer and that is all I have to say. It no longer makes me angry as much as this situation motivates me to keep moving forward and pray harder for his tormented self. Love is a choice. It is better to choose to love through prayer and keep moving forward.
I suppose this was bound to happen eventually right? 🙂
ON a high note, I got closure with Nomad on Independence Day. That was both rewarding and delightful. YAHOOOOOOO! Clarity was finally achieved Captain!