Love is…motivation and a verb!

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I am still venting over a situation that happened later in the day yesterday.  I am no longer angry….but in a simple sense I am now left motivated. 🙂

Love is a Verb...this motivates me to continue to love when others cannot!

Love is a Verb…this motivates me to continue to love when others cannot!

A friend to whom I considered a pretty close friend and I got into it.  Long story short, he hit a transition in his life and is acting out.  He is hurt and being reckless.  I have been trying to care enough to reach out.  I wanted to reach out to make sure he was OK.  He stopped talking to me.  I knew something was up.  SO, I see that he is magically in a relationship on the Book of Face.  I am sorry, but I had to do what I did.  If I was in a smacking distance, he would have gotten a smack for sure.

Last time, I saw this friend was in April.  It had been since college since the last time I saw him.  At least 5 years…or so.  To make a long story short, we both exchanged “I love you’s” and a kiss or so.  That always makes things more complicated.  We have known each other for almost 8 years and he pulled this card.  We didn’t talk about the kiss or exchange of words or anything until I brought it up yesterday in a moment of complete courage and honesty.  He knows I care enough….but right now, I stand for a truth he cannot yet face.  Hence why the label would be “overbearing” and the underlying emotion is a combo of anger, guilt, and “immediate physical gratification”.  

At this point, he is in a high level of uncertainty and hurt.  Dealing with coming back from deployment transition, a break-up over that deployment, missing his family as he is no where near them, and coming up on the crossroad of a career change.  That is a hell of a lot to process alone.  He is putting himself through this complete hell.  So like a good friend, I reach out and try to be loving.  That is just me being me being me.

For the first time in my life, since knowing Dr. Pepper, this is the first time it has gotten remotely hard to love on him.  The conversation yesterday made me initially angry.  I was so furious with him.  He knew I was mad too.  He claimed it was because I was passionate–I was overbearing.  That is not it at all.  I am a passionate person yes.  But I am coming across “overbearing” because I care too much when he doesn’t care at all.

Now, Saturday night into Sunday morning, I couldn’t sleep.  So, I wrote a letter.  I wrote an unsent letter to him.  July 7, 2013.  I wrote out the very things I wanted so badly to tell him explaining my actions and observations, yet time didn’t allow it.  The time was not right to send it.  So now, I sit here with a letter that does no good and a feud with a long time friend over what??   Me trying to make an attempt at being a better friend to him.  The same night as the letter, I heard in my heart that I am not praying enough.  I needed to really try to pray much more.  NOW I see why!!

I must confess I can feel Dr. Pepper in my heart.  I felt the restlessness prior to the letter and about 2 weeks leading up to this blow-up.  I feel confusion, tension, and most of all he is just uncertainty.  I let it it go.  I pray…then move on…

He said a lot of very funny things to me.  He said that when he said “I love you” it was only in the friend sort of way.  Um…then we kissed?  Friend’s don’t kiss or say I am glad this didn’t happen prior to this point either.  A mutual friend said his body language was not consistent with that comment.  Nonverbal language speak volumes.   And maybe it was awkward for him.

He really had the audacity to say “don’t be offended.  I don’t let people in”…After 8 years, how could I not be offended??  Then I asked him how he could be in a relationship if he “didn’t let people in”…that isn’t going to work unless the relationship is based around one thing and one thing hurt people know well (take it from someone who has been there) physical aspect only.  Carefree interaction.  Someone to hang out with and do things with. No honest commitment.  Simply IDEAL for someone who just doesn’t care.  It is horrible and in the end it just sucks even more.  

All you are doing is using each other to get by until your so miserable you can’t breathe and you either choose to move on or move to the next level.  I chose to move on in my situation.   It was masked by “I love you”  but, really it wasn’t that at all.  It was more infatuation than anything.  That is what I found out.  What a trick, thinking I actually cared about a person when all it did was leave me bruised and even more broken.  Learned a hell of a lot though about myself and what I didn’t want.

So what is the purpose in all of this?  To pray more and not worry about it.  Love is a verb remember!  Some get it and others do not.  We love them even more through prayer and that is all I have to say.  It no longer makes me angry as much as this situation motivates me to keep moving forward and pray harder for his tormented self.  Love is a choice.  It is better to choose to love through prayer and keep moving forward.

I suppose this was bound to happen eventually right?    🙂

ON a high note, I got closure with Nomad on Independence Day.  That was both rewarding and delightful. YAHOOOOOOO!  Clarity was finally achieved Captain!


CatMan

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When Harry Met Sally….Challenge for love continues!

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This weekend was spent learning a lot about love.  I am brought to one of my all time favorite movies of all time…When Harry Met Sally.  I love the chemistry between Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal. “Humping and pumping isn’t Sheldon’s strong suite”

As human beings we are constantly making and breaking bonds.  The bonds we do break leave imprints positive or for the negative.  Bonds that exist could be one of many types–physical, chemical, emotional, mental or spiritual.  Some people immediately connect and for that reason we must always be on guard.

There are songs written about love all the time.  But I don’t feel like the songs speaking of this love thing are really referring to love as much as they are referring to lusting for someone.  People automatically think sleeping with someone makes you able to love a person but that simply is not the truth at all.  Sleeping with someone out of context only leaves you open for physical and emotional hurt.  Why bring that upon ourselves?

What I have discovered that in order to know what love actually is you must have God involved.  He is the definition of selfless love.  Forgive me if this is a less than perfect verbalization.  Love is not simply partial but fully inclusive.  It doesn’t choose parts of a person, but desires a total transformation and fulfillment.  Love ultimately is a choice.  You choose to love others just as you choose anything else.  Love starts with appreciating who you are, what you have gone through and making a vow to commit to someone who sees how precious you are!

“Someone is staring at you in personal growth….” I believe the best things start from a friendship.  I believe this goes against what Harry states on that cab ride to NY, yet I am a firm believer.  If you cannot be there for your friends or yourself, how the heck else can you be there for a significant other that you are potentially have a family with…yeah I just don’t think that is possible!

Strangely, my dad and I were talking about relationships.  I haven’t necessarily had the best track record to date.  I am grateful for my past as it makes me feel like a survivor.  It wasn’t easy but heck now I know what I stand for and just how important it is to date the right person.  It is setting standards and never compromising on what is important to you.  Morals especially.

So, how do you know if you ‘love’ someone?  That’s the next thing on the list.  Love NOT lust someone.  Love is putting someone else’s needs in front of your own.  “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them” Thomas Merton (No man is an Island)  Love is a broad word.  It is something that should never be taken lightly.  It is something that we should all strive to do.  Think about this quote I just posted.  It is not just limited to those individuals we know and encounter on a regular basis.  It is also the strangers on the street, the customers, the people who give us grief…it is about loving each person with the same love.  Of course, we demonstrate that love differently for each person we encounter, but the underlying love shouldn’t change.

Support, commit, and love on someone you normally wouldn’t today.  🙂

Harry Burns: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.

Sally Albright: What?

Harry Burns: I love you.

Sally Albright: How do you expect me to respond to this?

Harry Burns: How about, you love me too.

Sally Albright: How about, I’m leaving.

Harry Burns: I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

A Loving Husband

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I first want to preface this with a note.  A friend posted this on the Book of Face this morning.  Never take anyone in your life for granted.  Take every little moment to say “I love you” and never stop trying.  This could be applicable to every relationship you have.  I hope you were as affected as I was when I first read this.  

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“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us part.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.”

A Tribute to Whitney: what I have learned…

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One can only be reckless for so long before our body has enough.  Do something for your OWN well being and appreciate the gift you are today.  I know that this reckless and unnecessary behavior has lead to so many premature deaths in my own world or in that of the “Celebrity” universe as well.  

A situation came up this weekend where someone criticized a “remembrance of life” of the one and only Whitney Houston.  By criticizing someone over mourning the life of someone that they never personally met and who was seemingly being praised and remembered for her train wreck personal life is just wrong.  We are mourning a life taken too soon and a talent still with such potential if only she made different decisions.  Despite her personal decisions, there is no denying the amount of impact this one little soul had not only on developing a Gospel-fed genre of music integrated into mainstream music to which inspired many, but personally touched so many women and men everywhere.  I personally felt that her music was genuine and her vocals were a God-given talent.  I cannot tell you how many times I sing her songs in the shower, in the car, singing Karaoke, or otherwise having a bad day.  She not only inspired other artists to expand their vocals and outreach, but inspired me to let the lungs wail once in a while in a healthy and positive manner.  EVERYONE needs that.

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This is how I will always remember Ms. Houston...

Sometimes simply singing one of her songs in the privacy of my humble abode just simply makes my day a little better.  Brighter.  Her amount of emotion, my amount of matching emotion usually was enough to just allow me to breathe clearer as the song would end.  It clears my mind, heart, and allows me to actually think clearer.  One may never fully appreciate or know the extent to which a song or a person have affected us as a human being usually until it is too late. 

And you know, I felt sorry for her home life.  We can’t ever judge that.  All I can say is that we have our own choice to love and I believe that she truly tried to love despite all that was happening.  This beautiful soul failed in one regard in my opinion…that was in loving herself.  The body cannot handle what she became toward the end of her life….and not to mention after she met Bobby Brown.  That is the true tragedy.  

If there is one thing I have learned thru Whitney Houston’s death, it’s that life is so fragile and we need to thank God everyday for the breath to live just one more day.  Life is never guaranteed.  It is so important, now more than ever, to learn to turn to the light and take positive steps forward.  We must always be working on ourselves and loving ourselves selflessly.  This then starts to translate and permeate other relationships we might have in our lives.  Love God first, love self second and allow God to work thru us in a positive manner.

If you take anything from this post, anything at all, just remember to say ‘I love you’ to the people that mean something to you.  Give hugs and keep in touch.  Appreciate who is given to you and their worth to you as you never know when they might be called away.  No regrets, right?

❤ The CatMan