Love is…motivation and a verb!

I am still venting over a situation that happened later in the day yesterday.  I am no longer angry….but in a simple sense I am now left motivated. 🙂

Love is a Verb…this motivates me to continue to love when others cannot!

A friend to whom I considered a pretty close friend and I got into it.  Long story short, he hit a transition in his life and is acting out.  He is hurt and being reckless.  I have been trying to care enough to reach out.  I wanted to reach out to make sure he was OK.  He stopped talking to me.  I knew something was up.  SO, I see that he is magically in a relationship on the Book of Face.  I am sorry, but I had to do what I did.  If I was in a smacking distance, he would have gotten a smack for sure.

Last time, I saw this friend was in April.  It had been since college since the last time I saw him.  At least 5 years…or so.  To make a long story short, we both exchanged “I love you’s” and a kiss or so.  That always makes things more complicated.  We have known each other for almost 8 years and he pulled this card.  We didn’t talk about the kiss or exchange of words or anything until I brought it up yesterday in a moment of complete courage and honesty.  He knows I care enough….but right now, I stand for a truth he cannot yet face.  Hence why the label would be “overbearing” and the underlying emotion is a combo of anger, guilt, and “immediate physical gratification”.  

At this point, he is in a high level of uncertainty and hurt.  Dealing with coming back from deployment transition, a break-up over that deployment, missing his family as he is no where near them, and coming up on the crossroad of a career change.  That is a hell of a lot to process alone.  He is putting himself through this complete hell.  So like a good friend, I reach out and try to be loving.  That is just me being me being me.

For the first time in my life, since knowing Dr. Pepper, this is the first time it has gotten remotely hard to love on him.  The conversation yesterday made me initially angry.  I was so furious with him.  He knew I was mad too.  He claimed it was because I was passionate–I was overbearing.  That is not it at all.  I am a passionate person yes.  But I am coming across “overbearing” because I care too much when he doesn’t care at all.

Now, Saturday night into Sunday morning, I couldn’t sleep.  So, I wrote a letter.  I wrote an unsent letter to him.  July 7, 2013.  I wrote out the very things I wanted so badly to tell him explaining my actions and observations, yet time didn’t allow it.  The time was not right to send it.  So now, I sit here with a letter that does no good and a feud with a long time friend over what??   Me trying to make an attempt at being a better friend to him.  The same night as the letter, I heard in my heart that I am not praying enough.  I needed to really try to pray much more.  NOW I see why!!

I must confess I can feel Dr. Pepper in my heart.  I felt the restlessness prior to the letter and about 2 weeks leading up to this blow-up.  I feel confusion, tension, and most of all he is just uncertainty.  I let it it go.  I pray…then move on…

He said a lot of very funny things to me.  He said that when he said “I love you” it was only in the friend sort of way.  Um…then we kissed?  Friend’s don’t kiss or say I am glad this didn’t happen prior to this point either.  A mutual friend said his body language was not consistent with that comment.  Nonverbal language speak volumes.   And maybe it was awkward for him.

He really had the audacity to say “don’t be offended.  I don’t let people in”…After 8 years, how could I not be offended??  Then I asked him how he could be in a relationship if he “didn’t let people in”…that isn’t going to work unless the relationship is based around one thing and one thing hurt people know well (take it from someone who has been there) physical aspect only.  Carefree interaction.  Someone to hang out with and do things with. No honest commitment.  Simply IDEAL for someone who just doesn’t care.  It is horrible and in the end it just sucks even more.  

All you are doing is using each other to get by until your so miserable you can’t breathe and you either choose to move on or move to the next level.  I chose to move on in my situation.   It was masked by “I love you”  but, really it wasn’t that at all.  It was more infatuation than anything.  That is what I found out.  What a trick, thinking I actually cared about a person when all it did was leave me bruised and even more broken.  Learned a hell of a lot though about myself and what I didn’t want.

So what is the purpose in all of this?  To pray more and not worry about it.  Love is a verb remember!  Some get it and others do not.  We love them even more through prayer and that is all I have to say.  It no longer makes me angry as much as this situation motivates me to keep moving forward and pray harder for his tormented self.  Love is a choice.  It is better to choose to love through prayer and keep moving forward.

I suppose this was bound to happen eventually right?    🙂

ON a high note, I got closure with Nomad on Independence Day.  That was both rewarding and delightful. YAHOOOOOOO!  Clarity was finally achieved Captain!

❤
CatMan

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What’s your number?

So how many frogs are you supposed to kiss before you are finally given a prince?  How many butt heads (being polite for the little ears in the audience) do you have to go through before you finally give up?  Well the verdict is still out.  I presume this number…this fancy little integer…this nagging little in your face number about how a woman is supposed to conduct her love life is just dumb.  I said it.  I might be so bold as to say there is no such thing as one magic number which predicts the time and person you will fall in love with BECAUSE may I be so bold AGAIN to say (just in case you didn’t hear the first time), sometimes it simply just happens!

How many times do we have to be subjected to the pressure of finding Mr. Right when the expectations are such that we lose sight of who the heck we are?!  It is preposterous!  Why as a woman should I ever lose sight for one moment of who I am or what my goals are….or doing what I love because some stupid rules from society says so?  Who says I have to wear my fancy couture dress, always say please and thank you, cross my legs and always smile….and not to mention, mind my matters OH WAIT AND LOOK PERFECT ALL THE EFFING (again censoring for the little ears…this is Lent you know!) TIME!  How are we ever to find Mr. Right when we forget the very basics of who we are?  When we lose who we are, that is really when we find ourselves on a bumpy, curvy, and maybe even scary part of this journey of ours…

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I used to think that you had to act a certain way to get a guy to notice you.  That is simply not the case.  Just be yourself, perfection and flaws they are you!  You were made with all of that already thought of and the Big Guy knew what He was doing…so you might as well embrace it because you are only going to get better the more you understand and know yourself.  Decide what you want and go get it girl!  You deserve the world and there is nothing but opportunities knocking….and if their aren’t the opportunities then maybe you need to consider a change.

We should stop trying to act like everyone else.  Stop trying to be something you aren’t and just be yourself.  LOVE yourself.  You cannot love another until you love yourself first.  Simply love.  That alone is an accomplishment.

http://aboutmyrecovery.com/loving-yourself-first/

Once you learn that it is alright to be a size ten and have 10-1/2 sized shoes, or be a size 2 with nothing but skin on…short, tall, big, small….it doesn’t matter because it is all yours!  You are make just as you are for so much purpose.  Discover everything about you that is wonderful and I guarantee someone will notice.  cough cough…OK EVERYONE is going to notice.

It doesn’t take a magic number to figure that out.  It takes figuring out how to love and appreciate ourselves and the rest will soon follow.  No magic number.  No societal rules saying this is how you find “Mr. Right”. AND definitely no set formula to win “him” over whomever he is.  That part will happen as natural as the sun rising.

Believe in yourself.  Love and appreciate yourself as you are right now and everything you CAN be.  Go get it girl…this is all yours!

❤ CatMan

An Eventful EXTENDED Weekend…

This weekend has been far from ordinary.  It is strange when life takes it course the laughter just seems to seep out of everything.

Making it on the list of things that occurred:
1.  Grandma’s house caught on fire
2.  Herb is in the hospital
3.  No fun in the sun really at all this weekend except for what I got in the car
4.  No house cleaning attempted; no house keeping claimed
5.  Slept in at the cost of missing breakfast….it was worth it though!
6.  Trying to freeze off a small but pesky little plantar wart….grrr…
7.  Got a great chance to catch up with Sassy Sis and had some good humor with her children

Friday:

Get a call early in the morning, Herb was having a hard time breathing so they took him into the hospital.  Went to see him at lunch-time and we shared his meal because he just wasn’t all that hungry.  He seemed lucid and with it.  Good sign.  I left work early to help judge a cheer try-out for a friend.  I was planning on going over to Sassy Sister’s house right after.  At approximately 6pm I went over there.  She fed me wine and pizza and then we talked for a good 4 hours.  Her 2 very smart beautiful little boys made me laugh so hard.  They have so much energy!  The best comment, just as I was walking out the door was “Here Ms. Cat! Don’t forget your baby wipes for your baby!”  I looked at Sassy Sis and was completely puzzled!  They made us both laugh to tears.  Sassy goes, does he know something that we don’t know?  HAHAHA.  Nomad didn’t laugh as hard as we did about the situation…

Saturday and beyond:

I was up talking to Herb and I thought you all would get a kick out of this one.  A few nights ago, he tried escaping.  Uh huh….like the determined man he is, tried to get up on his own.  He pulled his catheter and IV out.   OUCH!  When I got there, he just rolled his eyes.  The one nurse said as he was trying to pull his cords out again, “you don’t want to pull your penis off now do you?  Because that’s what will happen!”  He just rolled his eyes and we just laughed.  Hearing aid battery went dead.  He seemed to be getting confused.  Less crisp as the days progress.  He still needs some paperwork to be signed and such but that I don’t think is going to happen.

Needless to say every family is dysfunctional, but Herb really doesn’t get along at all with his true blood family.  This is not new news.  It is such a shame.  He has suspicions that their intentions are not from the heart….well I cannot speak on their behalf but, I can say that I agree with Herb 100%.  This has been a hard process for me.  It is very humbling seeing him go thru this…it also really sucks.  I have done a lot of praying and discerning.  I had to lift him up, witness him flashing me accidentally, him trying to escape and me actually holding him back and helping feed him.  It has been a really hard process.  To see a man who was completely independent and going thru this “damit, I need you to do this for me…” frustrated stage is a true bitch.

In my heart, I know he is tired of it all.  I am hoping this is just a phase and he will bounce back once his medicine gets regulated.  I truly never thought at 25 I would ever be walking with a friend thru this stage of his life.  I know that he appreciates it…but he too feels as helpless as I do.  Yesterday, was a rough day and that was hard.  Today was especially hard because he was getting more confused.  The nurse told me it was from carrying fluids on board…but you know when the joking gets less and he just is sitting there is simply enough.  He keeps asking about his cart…”where’s my cart?” I would retort “Herb, It’s safe at the apartment for you.”  Herb would then reply with a hesitance, “Ok…alright I guess.”

OH OH OH!!! I didn’t tell you!!!  Thursday, Herb’s NEW motorized cart was almost accidentally stolen by another lady eating at the Cafe’.  It looked similar enough to his, yet settings were different enough that yeah.  He yells from across the room “hey HEY HEEEY”  (progressively getting louder)…I simply walked up to her and told her I thought she had the wrong cart….she agree’d and that was that.  It was flipping hilarious!!!

http://www.myspace.com/bschwebs

Well so that is that.  Nomad is to be calling soon so I must jet!  Love you all and remember (as Herb always says!)  Life’s a bitch, then you die!  (fingers crossed on the second part that isn’t the case this time!)  Please keep him in your prayers!

Love your family.  Be merciful and compassionate to them.  We know not the struggles they face and we know not how much time they have left.  Make sure to kiss and sincerely make up at the end of everyday.  Do not let a moment waste!  Tell them what they mean to you daily…they may get sick of it but, at least they will know!