The Woman I Desire to Be

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“When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.”

~Venerable Fulton J. Sheen

I came across this very quote a day or two ago on Facebook.  One of my contacts had this posted and it really go me thinking about woman and their purpose with in the realm of this world.  I mean, your day-to-day accommodations, vocations, and everything to which fulfills the beautiful role of being a woman.  There is a lot more to it than you might think!

Something I personally have struggled with is finding my way into discovering what it means to be a real woman.  Not a girl…but a woman.  Not just any woman either.  I want to find my identity as a woman of God.  I will be the first to tell you that I have been on a wily road prior to this investigation. Do I really have what it takes to grow up and be the woman who I know I am being called to be?  I lacked confidence.  I lacked esteem.  Because of my lack of understanding, my heart lacked a desire to change.  Hell, I was doing just fine with where I was at and with what I was doing….but was I really doing as fine as I thought?  I didn’t want to change for a long while because it seemed forced or rather too contrived.  If the CatMan was going to change, then it was most definitely going to be because I wanted to do so.

Recently, I was told and came across many individuals (randomly of course) speaking to me as “You will attract a certain person or type of person”.  This would make sense.  So if I applied that to the long list of ex-s that I have, I am giving off something that is attracting these pathetic jerks who didn’t have a clue what it meant to be the kind of man I deserve!   They are selfish ultimately.  They don’t get it and haven’t a clue either.  I think that I am a compassionate person to an extent that I have no boundaries.  I want to be there and help whomever and wherever needed.  I could also say compassionate to a fault.  I realized a few life lessons through my 12+ years of dating to which makes me finally desire to take the leap and make the necessary changes.  The next time I visit the grocery, I am not leaving with a bunch of bad apples.  I will be shopping for exactly what I came for…

1.  You have to love and fully accept yourself.  Anyone ever watch Silver Lining Playbook?  Tiffany, Jennifer Lawrence’s character, has a past and yet that is not who she is when she meets Bradley Cooper’s character.  She fully accepts that she was a slut, but that is apart of her.  She loves that it’s apart of her.  She understands that was a place she went and she is making a change.  Accepting the good parts of yourself and the bad parts will help you learn and acclimate to what you desire to be.  For me personally, I can accept that crazy road I ventured on as that is not me today.  It is however a part of me and what made me realize even more so my need for God in my life.  I have accepted my sins happen.  I am human.  I am doomed to fall and that my friends is written in my very DNA.  That helix is laced with my many flaws and short comings.  And hey, guess what?  God knows this and He loves me anyways!

2.  If you attract assholes, then you are probably being an asshole.  This one took me a while to figure out.  I didn’t really get how my decisions and shortcomings led me to only date assholes.  A long list of assholes at that!  You see, I had low self-esteem  and confidence in myself.  I thought that I “needed” what these men could offer.  Well for reflection sake, not really sure I needed ANY of what they had to offer except for a listening ear!  I was being a complete asshole to myself first and foremost.  I was in return being an asshole to those around me because we all know that it is the natural progression of things.  Then, I was attracting like-minded assholes that were in worse shape than me!  The ones who stuck out this phase, ended up knowing that was just a phase and not what I ultimately was going for which I am pretty grateful.  I have 5 very close friends and a big family to which loves me despite everything.

3.  You are surrounded by living examples each and everyday, sometimes you just need to open your eyes!  OK.  For the longest time, I have taken those around me for granted.  My mom and I for example used to butt heads more than anyone I know!  It was a mutual lack of understanding for where one another was at in life.  Now looking back at it, it just was this tremulous period for the both of us.  I was immature.  I was going through whatever teenagers/young adults go through.  It took me until recently, living with my grandma, to understand my mom better.  I lived with my grandma for just over a year and my mom is so much like her mom it’s not even funny.  My mom of course is in a different period in her life than her mother, but now I have been given another example of a true woman.  My mom is a control freak.  She likes to think she has more control than she does and because of that it causes conflict.  My grandma used to be the same way.  My mom has gotten a lot better over the years as far as just letting go of the fact that her adult children are going to make their decisions and she has little input in the way they live their life.  My mom will subtly present her opinion in a tactful manner but ultimately we were raised to be individuals.  Grandma prays.  Right now she is toward the later part of her life and she spends good and earnest time praying.  She has a peace about her.  She no longer worries about what her children are doing nor does she let that bother her.  Her control and worry has been given up to God.   Both woman are examples of the sort of woman I desire to become.  Here they are right in front of me!  Both go to church, say their prayers, make time to teach and be there for their families.  They spend time feeding, clothing, and running children’s rear ends around town….they did this out of love for all of us.  That is amazing.

4. Make a grocery list and don’t lose sight until you get everything you set out to get!  I likened my “ex list” a little like going to the grocery.  I am making too many trips to the grocery to buy things I don’t need (AKA DRAMA), want (a “man” who “cares” about you HA!), and over all I am falling short!  I am paying WAY TOO MUCH for bad unnecessary goods!  So I am making a grocery list accordingly and not taking my eyes off of it until I get what I set out to have.  I deserve it.  I am not going to settle for anything less this time.  I deserve the best you know…

The person I desire to become is a woman who is virtuous.  She is a well-rounded, thoughtful, and caring individual who puts others needs first.  She doesn’t limit God to working through her to fulfill her very purpose of being created.  She possesses true compassion, patience, and doesn’t worry about what she lacks.  She prays regularly.  She dresses modestly.  She is confident in who she is as a woman of God.  She stands firm in her beliefs.  She loves wholeheartedly despite outcome or without expectation.  She is honest and truthful.  She possess integrity.  She has humility and knows she is not perfect.  She has her own style and is confident in wearing it.  She equally knows she will never stop trying to be a better person despite her flaws.  She will persevere and carry what cross she is being asked to carry without question.  She is slow to anger and quick to forgive.  She is loyal, faithful, and devout always.

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I may not be that woman today…but I will never stop moving forward.  Maybe one day I will get there and maybe one day I won’t.  Regardless, I will never stop desiring to be that woman.  Life is a journey you know…

A girl can dream can’t she? 😉
CatMan

 

To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

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Last night, I was watching the movie “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” with my man friend and thought to myself, ‘there are some really good messages in this movie!’  Patrick Swayze played the lead role of Vida along side of Wesley Snipes who played Noxeema.  I must say both looked very convincing as women.  ANYways….

Vida has a bleeding heart.  She will insert herself if someone needs her to be there.  She is trying to look out for others, take them under her wing, and it seems just put other’s ultimately before herself.  What I realized last night was that sometimes it takes an adventure to figure out just what you are made of and what you can become.  It takes the support of friends and ultimately their love and acceptance.  It was a sentimental comedic approach to Vida’s example of support and love.  I think all women or “career girls” could take a lesson or two from her example.

She was calm in all the positions she landed herself in as well as carried herself with style and grace.  She did what she had to do for those she cared about EVEN if that meant having to step in the middle of a domestic violence situation to stand up for her new friend Carol Ann (Stockard Channing).  It was that relationship and that of another relationship with Chi-Chi which really demonstrated what supporting a friend can do.  Vida built others up.  She helped them feel fashionable and full of confidence.  She really did try to be a true friend to those who were around them.

Even though this was presented in a humorous fashion, it demonstrated strangers accepting outsiders and embracing them. They were loving to them and despite their very different upbringings were able to come together with a little kindness.  Goes to show you a little kindness goes a long way and it might just be enough to awaken your dormant spirit.  This little adventure changed their lives and brought them together.

Why not try to do as Vida does today!  Be kind to those around you and treat them as you desire to be treated.  Love them.  Be there for them.  Set the example for those who don’t get it.  You never know what impact that will have on them!

Hugs,
CatMan

The Updo, grown-up diapers, and stay tuned!

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I would like to invite you all to read my guest blog on my girl Erica’s site.  For anyone who is indecisive, needing assistance picking or choosing a style, and still expects to look good!  Check it out!

http://esmithlifestyle.blogspot.com

I will have a more inspiring post coming up!  Stay tuned for the usual inspiration infused with a bit of humor.  I know my posts have been quite reflective….but I assure you this will be a doozie!  Patience I tell you…you will just wet yourself with laughter.  Wearing grown-up diapers might be recommended. 😉

❤ Hugs,

Catman

Why you should never go to bed Angry

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I have had a couple of hard lessons learned days.  I know that good will always come of our mistakes, but sometimes it is just like “Come ON Cat?!  Not again!”  Well yesterday, I woke up in a ball fire of fury…lesson 1, do not go to bed angry, even if YOU are the one that misconstrued everything.  I blew up (I mean so embarrassed, mortified, and all because I said some pretty hurtful things).  This sleep text conversation occurred at 6am.  Who does that?  A girl who went to bed angry because she is hurt and has “clammed up” again.

When I clam up, I am almost as bad as an insecure little school girl!  I start assuming, making these elaborate false stories up in my head, jumping to conclusions, and over all not being my confident self as I revert back to process mode of all the wrong things.  This friend I blew up on had a valid point…I seem to focus on how I can help or figure out others to avoid addressing my own down falls.  I do a lot of processing of my own problems, but apparently he didn’t feel like that was where my heart was.  He was exactly right…again.  I sucked it up and immediately felt the guilt of shame and that I was the one in the wrong.  Well the thing is maybe in some regard I was out of line, but I learned a lot from it.  Needless to say I immediately drafted an email.

I recognize in myself that when I get stressed out, I react and spaz out.  I get this honestly.  This has been the task at hand most recently as this situation is similar to two others I have faced.  One where I blew up on someone, another where they blew up on me, and reverting back to the first one a great apology.  I need to be patient with myself.  I knew I needed to apologize as I hit a nerve.  I said way too much in my draft so I let it lie and focused much energy back on my work.  That helped clear my head.  It didn’t help that I started yesterday off with a migraine either.  I was still hurting.  The hurt caused by this one person is such that I can only describe it like having an ulcer on your heart.  It is deep and consistent.  I have been praying for healing.

I listened to my gut then started again…uttering those humble words of “I’m sorry”…simply stated.  I ramble when I don’t simply speak.  Not good.  Well, even though I sent an apology via email, tried calling, and even texted an “I’m sorry” note to him…it was no use.  I spent a Holy Hour (http://www.catholic-church.org/kuwait/eucharistic_adoration.htm) over lunch and I felt so much better.  I always do.  Just an hour of silence and beauty to gain insight and composure.  I felt as though a few things there were confirmed: 1. Trust in God as He will bring so much good out of this blurp.  2. He needed to hear what you had to say this morning.  He needed to see you spaz out.  He needed to see you at your worst…God used me to be the deliverer.  3.  I need to have more patience with myself as living life is a series of lessons and perfecting.  4.  I have now identified the source as this little ulcer on my heart that he caused that needs addressed and healed.  That is another great affirmation for me.  The anger was driven from this point of hurt…the anger slipped out…but now I can mend the wound and use this situation as a building block for a stronger foundation.  Everything happens for a reason whether that is known or not.

It is hard and those challenging days are the worst when we don’t decide to pick ourself up from all fours and we have to crawl back to standing position. We fall flat on our face, humiliated…discouraged as we are there is always up!  I felt so humiliated that I conducted myself in such a manner.  Who was I to have done that?  Well, we are only human!

 

Grass and cement burns on my knees, ego which was definitely in check (now), and a realization that was priceless in this journey to get my emotions in check, have a deeper better relationship with my friend and my lessons are learned.

Seeds planted.  Moving on…..today will be a better day!

For your listening pleasure:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdIvFxu9jJQ&feature=related 

❤ CatMan

Oh to be yourself…Go walk naked!

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“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”  –E.E. Cummings

So I am really struggling right now blog friends.  I am finally starting to understand how much really loving people…not like your average gushy mushy love, but really pouring forward all emotions and heart into others is very hard.  This means practicing understanding, patience, kindness, trust, and knowing eventually this period of love will pay off, Right?  Practicing and encompassing all gifts of virtue and yet, strange enough that is not enough for a person to come to grips with how much love you are giving to them!  Love is so foreign people who reside on the surface.  They try to walk 100% away from this “love” thing because it is a vulnerable foreign feeling found only at the very core of our beings and when we were children.  As adults, this is a feeling that is a rarity and seemingly so distant in our current live style.

Our hearts can become hard.  Our attitude callused.  And then when we find someone to which is willing to pour forth love and give you anything/everything you need for success–we are confused, tormented, and fearful as to WHY?  Why me?  Why do you have this invested in me?  What did I ever do to you?  Well the simple answer is you didn’t have to do anything…it is just because I love you!

As hard as this feeling of love is in demonstrating it to others…I think it can at times be hard to be yourself in such a world that can be cold and cruel.  One should be themselves and have the strength and courage to do so to the best of their ability.  Just simply being yourself is hard.  Being yourself doesn’t mean being misguided like these “little rebels” can be…but, being yourself means stripping the fluff off and developing what’s left.  That is the real you.

What a confusing, sometimes bitter cold world we live in today.  Despite the negative, we must strive to ALWAYS find hope.  There is still a lot of that in this world.  Although you might have to dig a little deeper to find it.  It will be well worth the scavenger hunt when the treasure: HOPE is found.

 

Last night, I was asked if I had ever been “skinny” dipping.  (gasp!)  Well not in the way he was thinking, but I have started walking naked more often.

Go on a walk today.  Naked.  I dare ya!

“Oh…but I can’t!”  (you respond)

“Oh…but you can and you will probably love it!” says the CatMan!

(The crowd GASPS…….)

Strip yourself down to your core and walk around naked.  You might actually like that version of you.  That’s the hope I am talking about!  You might feel smut free then and you may actually feel better about letting yourself out!  Get to know the real you and embrace!  Once that naked beautiful person comes out of the hard shell they were in, you could just discard that shell (as you won’t need it anymore).  Don’t be afraid!  The real you is not so bad.

 

We do it to Pistachio nuts all the time.  They are considered elite nuts and when shelled they are beautiful!   Precious green goodness.   Just remind yourself that when you are second guessing “going naked”.  🙂

That is all,

❤ The CatMan

You Matter

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Today, I want to simply say….You Matter.  You matter to someone.  Your smile, your thoughts, your genius ideas and solutions…that matters to someone.  Listen to this as you are getting ready for your morning:  http://www.angelamaiers.com/2011/08/new-ted-talk-you-matter.html

Might I suggest that we all put this phrase “I Matter” on a post-it-note and keep it where we see it often?  Why not allow ourselves to be reminded of it as often as possible?!

Treasure those around you and tell the people in your life that matter the most how you feel…it is so important to feel wanted, like you matter, and that you have a greater purpose in this world.  Just remember that simple fact when you are feeling less that what you’re worth!

I went to visit Nomad this weekend.  We had a wonderful time.  We are now going on 7 months.  I helped him move into a new apartment, we relaxed and got to see his family, and then we went on a date!  This man doesn’t usually have patience but, God love him he did with me on Monday when he tried to teach me how to drive stick shift!  I was really proud of him for keeping his cool.  I actually learned two things this weekend, one how to drive stick shift and two how to tie down items to a truck with straps and a ratchet click lock appropriately.  I fell asleep on our ride back into town.  It was a two-hour drive back so, I just curled up on the bench of his truck and passed out.  He makes me feel so special without having to do anything really all too out of the ordinary.  This weekend was special to me though.  It was a good one at that.

Wardrobe Malfunction and a dose of Curls…

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So, several things have happened since the last time I posted.  A lot of serious things happening as well as light-hearted wonderful things.  I have compiled a list lessons I have begun to learn  🙂  I really wish you could see what I look like right now….hmmm….

Lessons learned:
1.  Love is hard.  Loving someone despite everything, thru anything, and over all is one of the hardest things I am learning at the present moment.  Loving someone aside from disrespect, aside from their inability to understand or love you back, and most of all simply just loving because you know you ought to is so tough.  GREAT lesson to learn.

2. Family maybe frustrating but, family is for life.  Blood is thicker than water and you’re not always going to like them but you always have to love them.

3.   It doesn’t pay to plan fully (certain things like getting a hotel room reservation, you know stuff like that is acceptable) because those plans will always fall through despite your efforts.  So what’s plan b?  Even if plan b presents itself last-minute, it will arrive in perfect timing.

4.  Safety pins save splitting zippers at formal events.  😉  But flip side, built-in air conditioner and the possibility of sticking yourself!  OPPS!

5.  Even when you feel like you are worth nothing to anyone always remember you are something to someone.  Who cares if it’s your dad….or your dog…or Herb.  You are still loved and someone is always proud or looking forward to seeing you.  Try not to feel under appreciated even though you run ragged.

6.  Learn the ins-and-outs of how your car works.  Car is leaking something and I cannot do anything about it until tomorrow…yay!

7.  Everything is made better when being surrounded by good company and booze.  What a great day it is when you can be in the company of old friends whom you love dearly but, might not get to see as often as you like.

8.  It is what it is and shit happens whether it makes it to the bowl or not.  On a figurative note, keep everything in perspective.  Life is messy.  Ask for gobs of patience!!

9.  Life can be really discouraging sometimes.  People are GOING to let you down.  It definitely pays to use Discover.  Keep on keeping on….keep on trucking.  People are there rooting for you, encouraging you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually…There is a HUGE support group just for you!!!  WAHOO!

10.  Don’t try to poke someone with a fork, because when they move they will claim that they tried to stab you.  Yep…this occurred at dinner none the less.  Why couldn’t it have been http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQXVHITd1N4??????

11.  If your hair is curly and it’s humid….stop straightening and fighting them.  Be lazy and just buy the right product and let it go!  So what if it looks crazy?!

12.  There is always someone worse off than you: http://www.ksnt.com/news/national/story/Tornadoes-hit-Minneapolis-and-Joplin-at-least-one/6eaPtHSaqUGJ8kJmTIhYnA.cspx

13.  Binaca will NOT get you any dates, but it will give you great breath!  (ask Laugh-a-Lot about our bar excursion!  We were sober and going around asking guys if they wanted “fresh breath” all night!)  OH and don’t be afraid to tell a guy off (I had to…he looked at me like WTF just happened!  But, it got him out of our hair…note to creepers…the CatMan has no fear.

14.  Everyone needs a friend like Laugh-a-Lot…she is the only person I know that will go garage sailing (yes I realize it is “garage sales” but, you are moving so swiftly from one to the next such as she then you would be ‘sailing’…)and wear them on a regular basis all together…shirt, leggings, wooden $0.50 necklaces, and a leopard print bag just because she liked them.  This is why we love her dearly!  OH and looks like a collectomanic when she pulls her life out of her hand bag…”where’s my wallet again?”

AND DRUM ROLL PLEASE:

15.  Accept challenges as they come with an open heart.  It will help you overcome them with greater ease and make you stronger!  SO BRING IT ON!!

xoxo
CatMan

Dream Interpretation….

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I have been a little stressed lately.  My dreams have been reflecting them I am afraid.  Last night, I had a crazy dream that I was going to a faucet and I was getting a glass of water and I urinated on myself (i know gross right??) but instead of getting embarrassed that someone might have seen I just poured a glass of water on myself and laughed “ooops silly me!”

In looking up my dream interpretation this made the most sense: “…To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and a release of negative or repressed emotions. Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life. You are literally “pissed off” and not expressing yourself in a positive or constructive manner.”  BINGO!  What do I do now to fix that?

Instead of getting “pissed off”, I need to positively deal with them thru therapeutic acts.  Right now, I am listening to 80’s music.  I am trying to let go of the awful situations I cannot change thru singing.  Does it help?  Um…maybe?  But not even Billy Joel could cure this one…I can’t really sing so I feel bad for the other’s in the office.  Do I care?  No!   Maybe I will paint more?  Maybe…but that costs a lot of money sometimes…MAYBE I COULD pick up a hobby!  YES!…but which one?   Maybe I could just laugh?

After today, I might just be insane.  Might as well throw my scissors into the hallway.  I am tired, frustrated but not quite defeated yet.  I am discouraged, but not defeated.  I think I will choose laughter as my therapy at this point in my day.  Stay tuned….

My kind of Therapy! Laughing with a full heart 🙂

Maybe I am getting frustrated because I am in the process of learning how to transform the ugly negative in my life into light and love but I AM NOT THERE YET! What a transformation of patience (that much like singing–I don’t have that one either!)  One of these days I will get there…Promise!