I have had a couple of hard lessons learned days. I know that good will always come of our mistakes, but sometimes it is just like “Come ON Cat?! Not again!” Well yesterday, I woke up in a ball fire of fury…lesson 1, do not go to bed angry, even if YOU are the one that misconstrued everything. I blew up (I mean so embarrassed, mortified, and all because I said some pretty hurtful things). This sleep text conversation occurred at 6am. Who does that? A girl who went to bed angry because she is hurt and has “clammed up” again.
When I clam up, I am almost as bad as an insecure little school girl! I start assuming, making these elaborate false stories up in my head, jumping to conclusions, and over all not being my confident self as I revert back to process mode of all the wrong things. This friend I blew up on had a valid point…I seem to focus on how I can help or figure out others to avoid addressing my own down falls. I do a lot of processing of my own problems, but apparently he didn’t feel like that was where my heart was. He was exactly right…again. I sucked it up and immediately felt the guilt of shame and that I was the one in the wrong. Well the thing is maybe in some regard I was out of line, but I learned a lot from it. Needless to say I immediately drafted an email.
I recognize in myself that when I get stressed out, I react and spaz out. I get this honestly. This has been the task at hand most recently as this situation is similar to two others I have faced. One where I blew up on someone, another where they blew up on me, and reverting back to the first one a great apology. I need to be patient with myself. I knew I needed to apologize as I hit a nerve. I said way too much in my draft so I let it lie and focused much energy back on my work. That helped clear my head. It didn’t help that I started yesterday off with a migraine either. I was still hurting. The hurt caused by this one person is such that I can only describe it like having an ulcer on your heart. It is deep and consistent. I have been praying for healing.
I listened to my gut then started again…uttering those humble words of “I’m sorry”…simply stated. I ramble when I don’t simply speak. Not good. Well, even though I sent an apology via email, tried calling, and even texted an “I’m sorry” note to him…it was no use. I spent a Holy Hour (http://www.catholic-church.org/kuwait/eucharistic_adoration.htm) over lunch and I felt so much better. I always do. Just an hour of silence and beauty to gain insight and composure. I felt as though a few things there were confirmed: 1. Trust in God as He will bring so much good out of this blurp. 2. He needed to hear what you had to say this morning. He needed to see you spaz out. He needed to see you at your worst…God used me to be the deliverer. 3. I need to have more patience with myself as living life is a series of lessons and perfecting. 4. I have now identified the source as this little ulcer on my heart that he caused that needs addressed and healed. That is another great affirmation for me. The anger was driven from this point of hurt…the anger slipped out…but now I can mend the wound and use this situation as a building block for a stronger foundation. Everything happens for a reason whether that is known or not.
It is hard and those challenging days are the worst when we don’t decide to pick ourself up from all fours and we have to crawl back to standing position. We fall flat on our face, humiliated…discouraged as we are there is always up! I felt so humiliated that I conducted myself in such a manner. Who was I to have done that? Well, we are only human!
Grass and cement burns on my knees, ego which was definitely in check (now), and a realization that was priceless in this journey to get my emotions in check, have a deeper better relationship with my friend and my lessons are learned.
Seeds planted. Moving on…..today will be a better day!
For your listening pleasure: